Choosing life in the face of death
Vicki Walsh was prepared to do anything to escape the torment of cancer, writes Nicholas McBride.
‘‘I just decided, ‘Right, today I’m going to kill myself’.’’
With pills set out on her kitchen counter, Vicki Walsh prepared to end her own life to escape the constant exhaustion of her cancer.
But after a cup of tea she decided against it.
Walsh had been given 12 to 14 months to live after being diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. That was five years ago.
During one of her darkest points she decided it was too much.
‘‘I was mentally and utterly exhausted and I just thought if this is it, this isn’t what I want.’’
She tidied the house, made herself a cup of tea and took out some pills.
‘‘I went and had that cup of tea, came back inside and thought ‘not today’.
‘‘There was no epiphany, maybe it was a good cup of tea.’’
Walsh has glioblastoma multiforme, the same cancer that killed high-profile euthanasia campaigner Lecretia Seales.
While Seales had publicly campaigned to have euthanasia legalised in New Zealand, Walsh is more cautious.
‘‘My fear is if they introduce euthanasia . . . I believe there would be a lot of people who say I’ve done my dash and should go.
‘‘It must cost the Government thousands of dollars to keep me alive.’’
Since being diagnosed, Walsh has been in and out of hospital, had multiple seizures, and two strokes.
At one point she doubled her normal weight due to her medication.
‘‘I lost everything, I lost my job — you just lose everything. It is all taken away from you.
‘‘You lose your sense of identity and become that person with cancer.’’
Walsh said that in the moment as she contemplated suicide she realised she still had control.
‘‘In not taking my own life, I think I found some strength I did not know I had; strength to wake up the next day — because at that point it was a lot harder than dying.’’
Even though she decided against killing herself, Walsh was not against others making their own decisions.
‘‘I just think we need to be very careful before we introduce something like that in New Zealand.’’
Walsh said she was glad she did not decide go through with her decision.
‘‘I’m glad I got that time, I’ve had an extra four years, even though I’m not well all the time.
‘‘If you ask my husband and kids, they love the life that we’ve got.’’
But she knows that her cancer will eventually kill her.
‘‘Yes I know the type of cancer I have got and I know what it will do to me. I’ll probably go blind, be paralysed from the neck down, more awful things are going to happen.’’
Lecretia Seales’ husband Matt Vickers saw what the brain cancer did to his wife.
Vickers said it was ‘‘incredibly tough’’ to watch a loved one go through that.
He respected anyone’s decision whether to live or die.
‘‘[Choosing to live] is a perfectly valid decision to make and as a society we should respect that decision completely.
‘‘It is a choice and people should be able to change their mind at any time.
‘‘Just because one person chooses against it is not an argument to stop anyone else [from doing it].’’
Vickers said it was an ‘‘incredibly personal thing’’.
‘‘It is the end of a person’s life and they should have as much In not taking my own life, I think I found some strength I did not know I had. control over that as they want.’’
Seales had fought for the right to die in the High Court, but was unsuccessful.
‘‘She may not have chosen to die in the end, but she still wanted the choice and her freedom to make it.
‘‘By not giving people the choice we are denying them control over their own bodies.
‘‘She wanted that choice because she felt that her ability to be self determining was being compromised by the illness.’’
Vickers said people use suicide to escape the worst of their illnesses. Whereas if euthanasia was legalised, people could be surrounded by family at the time of their death.
‘‘A lot of people would be comforted that they do have a choice.’’
Euthanasia-Free NZ executive officer Rene´e Joubert said the legalisation of assisted suicide and voluntary euthanasia would have wider implications and unintended consequences.
‘‘While we don’t condone or endorse suicide, it is preferable to involving other people, and especially agents of the State, in bringing about death.’’
An assisted dying law would change the way society thinks about caring for sick, disabled and elderly people, Joubert said.
‘‘Currently society accepts that such people need to be cared for until their natural death. An assisted dying law would make staying alive and being cared for optional, instead of the default.
‘‘With good palliative care virtually everyone can have ‘a good death’ with dignity and with their symptoms managed.’’
People who want voluntary euthanasia usually thought there were only two options.
‘‘Pain, suffering and an undignified death, [or] ‘assisted dying’.’’
Joubert said there was often a third option of treatment not readily available in New Zealand, or known to local doctors.
Act leader David Seymour has a bill in favour of legalising euthanasia.
Seymour said one person’s decision did not affect another’s.
‘‘We have had that sort of argument made throughout history.
‘‘Not so long ago same sex marriage came up and it was going to destroy everyone else’s marriage.’’
Seymour said people argued giving a choice would denigrate everyone else’s. ‘‘It has not happened. ‘‘There are people who have spiritual beliefs that life is given by God and are of the opinion who are you to play the role of God.
‘‘I respect their religious freedom but they have to respect that in NZ we have a clear separation between church and state.’’
In the meantime ‘‘life goes on’’, Walsh says.
Next month she will do a half marathon from her wheelchair.
Pushing her will be friend Maree Morpeth. The pair had been running partners before Walsh got sick.
She suggested to Walsh that they could do the run together, like old times.
‘‘It gave me goose bumps. I thought wouldn’t it be great if I could get her running again,’’ Morpeth said.
‘‘I had no idea how this would work but I did not care.
‘‘All I care about is getting her across that line.
‘‘I just want her to feel like she is running again.’’