Done up like a dog’s dinner
Eat your way through the Trump presidency toward the Apocalypse with these David Slack treats.
On holiday you think about eating. You swim, you visit friends, you climb into a boat, you lie on the beach, you read, but generally you don’t go for more than six minutes without thinking about what you’ll be eating next and where you’ll be having it.
I shared Annabel Langbein’s amazing cheese scone recipe last year and boy did that tell me something about writing a column.
You might not be able to make the government do anything about the housing crisis, but if you can make a scone sound cheesy and crunchy, you will drive people to their kitchen, and they will bake them, golden and cheesy, and they will put the photos on Facebook and it will give you a warm glow.
So here comes a bunch of recipes to mark the inauguration of the new President. ‘‘Give him a chance,’’ people tell me. ‘‘Stop snivelling like a girl, you snowflake,’’ they also tell me. The world’s full of banter these days.
Sure I’ll give him a chance. For all I know he may make America a flourishing economic powerhouse, with well-paid jobs for all. I’ll be glad to say I was wrong.
Or maybe these will be bitter lost years: the President indulging his petty vendettas and vanities as his cabinet tears down institutions and the family makes out like bandits, each violation of accepted norms ripping a little more at the fabric of American life. What can I do about it? Nothing. So who’s hungry? There’s plenty more where those cheese scone recipes came from. Get a pen and paper, I’ve adapted a bunch of them especially for the occasion. This is a family favourite, based on a Julie Biuso recipe. Ordinarily you would butterfly a chicken, drown it in lemon, ground black pepper, oregano and olive oil and roast it for a long hour or so.
I’d bring that cooking time down to 10 minutes or so. There’s nothing like eating undercooked chicken to help you shed those winter kilos and drift in and out of a fog of salmonella unconsciousness. Some of us might find that a happy gentle distraction in the months ahead. I’ve found you can give your egg noodles a lot of extra zing if you first prepare a pot of boiling water with a bit of chicken stock and star anise. Once it’s come to a rolling boil, cut open the packet, drop in all the noodles, and if it’s been one of those days when you can’t believe the way Trump’s letting Don’t fret about being out of touch. You’ll know things have gone really bad if you see a mushroom cloud. CO2 emissions pour back into the atmosphere, pop your hand in there as well for a minute or so. That should take your mind off things for the evening. This is a great Mexican recipe by British cook Thomasina Miers. Strip fresh kernels of corn into butter, onions, chilli and oil and saute slowly, adding allspice later, then lifting the heat and giving it a good old scorching. Now add lime juice and fresh mint. Delicious.
You can, of course, get allspice from Countdown, but the best allspice is grown in the Greater Antilles and southern Mexico and I recommend going there to get it. That should take you off the grid for three months or so. Take your time. Enjoy the tequila, hombre.
Don’t fret about being out of touch. You’ll know things have gone really bad if you see a mushroom cloud but even then, would you have wanted to watch CNN building up to that? Let’s say you have people coming around for dinner who like say: ‘‘Oh, he’s alright, what’s your problem? The whole system needed shaking up. He’s a breath of fresh air.’’
Make them whisky penne pasta with salmon. Saute some onion, whisk in some cream and whisky then add plenty of smoked salmon.
Meanwhile get a big pot of water boiling for your penne pasta. Plunge your hand in as necessary.
When the pasta’s ready, combine it all. You will need two bottles of whisky: a tablespoon for the sauce, and the rest to get you through the night. Make it three if they want you to explain to them how casual racism isn’t just a media invention.