Coming out gay at a rugby school
How a story-telling website is helping students face down discrimination in Kiwi schools. By and
‘‘It was hard being myself,’’ Henry Yuen recalls, quietly.
The schoolyard hostility he faced at one of New Zealand’s biggest and most respected schools was overwhelming. ‘‘I was probably 14 or 15, finding it hard to get out of bed. I think I knew that I was gay – it’s a little complicated.’’
So he kept his head down, worked hard, and ended up dux at Auckland Grammar School. But Yuen said he dreaded going to school because he was treated differently. ‘‘There were occasions of bullying and slurs thrown at me. It was hard feeling that I could stand up and have confidence.
Now studying computer science at the prestigious Duke University in the USA, Yuen and other students are lifting the lid on their experiences with schoolyard homophobia.
Last year, Yuen and classmate, Auckland Grammar head boy Joel Bateman, launched the Grammar Pride blog exposing and taking a stand against prejudice at the college. Now they have gone nationwide with Voicing Pride, aimed at students across New Zealand to share their stories of overcoming discrimination and to speak out against schools’ out-dated attitudes in dealing with LGBTQ concerns.
‘‘A lot of people say you’ve just got to battle through it and wait til you get to uni because no-one really cares so much,’’ Yuen said. ‘‘But there’s no reason why you can’t have a supportive environment earlier to really encourage people to be themselves. High schools need that environment earlier.’’
He and Bateman both came out to their friends and family while at university and wanted to start Voicing Pride to show schools what was really going on in the lives of students.
The Grammar Pride blog, launched at the start of 2016, had an immediate impact, with thousands of page views and countless messages of support. The school was quick to change, setting in place support structures for gay students.
But Yuen said more needed to be done around the country.
‘‘There are a lot of undercurrents of homophobia, behind the scenes – casual homophobia. It’s a problem we can address early, that we should address, schools have a big role to play in that.’’
‘Homophobic culture was explicit’
Rekha, a former St Cuthbert’s College student, says her school is more intent on protecting its image than supporting students.
Rekha hit out at the exclusive $21,000-a-year Auckland school, saying: ‘‘Homophobic culture was not simply an aggressive undercurrent – it was explicit.’’
In her Voicing Pride post Rekha describes how she, and other students who identified as LGBTQ, felt let down and ‘‘dismayed’’ by the school hierarchy, who had prevented an LGBTQ support group from starting up.
‘‘That dismay increased over time, when I realised just how many girls waited until they left school to come out.’’
The school was too focused on its image and anything that could detract from its ‘‘all-important reputation’’, she says.
Rekha has left school and now directs the Rainbow Law group for Auckland University law students.She says most of her friends knew she was bisexual while she was still at high school, but she waited until the second year of university to tell her parents.
Roz Mexted, newly appointed principal of St Cuthbert’s College says she took significant steps to support LGBTQA students when she led a previous school, including the provision of gender neutral bathrooms and the development of a diversity group led by students.
‘‘I believe St Cuthbert’s has made inroads, but there is more that we and many other schools can do. St Cuthbert’s uses Rainbow Youth resources to teach acceptance as part of the curriculum and it is my intention, when school resumes, to meet with students to better understand how the College can support them, as part of a wider review process.’’
‘Never Talked About In Schools’
Matthew Denton was so dedicated to extra-curricular activities that he won the award for exemplifying the spirit of Auckland’s Mount Albert Grammar School.
But under the surface he says the school’s spirit and general attitudes towards homosexuality didn’t sit right.
The former pupil, now 23 and studying arts and law, said the constant fear of being judged chipped away at his confidence and he started skipping school.
‘‘It was just an unhealthy environment because I associated school with that internalised fear.’’
The anxiety was compounded when a friend was bullied after coming out as gay to classmates. ‘‘He was treated as some sort of predator. I think that said a lot about the other students being uncomfortable and maybe just being unaware or not being familiar with different sexual orientations.’’
Denton says there was widespread casual homophobia that made him feel like an outsider, right up until the end of year 13, including insults such as ‘‘gay’’ and ‘‘faggot’’.
‘‘Largely all the dialogue is heteronormative so when you start to identify that you don’t fit that mould and there’s only really negative discussion about that other mould that’s when you start to freak out.’’
He confided in some friends but ultimately waited until after graduating to broach the subject of his sexuality.
That was partly because of the lack of a support network at school, he said. ‘‘Sexual orientation is just never really talked about in schools. And sexual education is pretty abysmal.’’
He says it’s time schools were more proactive in running educating programmes on sexuality. ‘‘Schools have got to realise that there is this body of students that they’re not recognising.’’
Rugby, farming and homosexuality
For Cameron Eade, finally admitting he was gay was a weight lifted off his shoulders.
‘‘It’s very tough, especially when you’re trying to find yourself. It’s sort of like an abyss. You don’t know what will happen,’’ Eade says. ‘‘You just want to fit in. It makes you feel like you’re not normal and you need to not be the person who you actually are.’’
It wasn’t until his final year at James Hargest College in Invercargill that Eade, the head boy, decided he needed to accept what he had known since age 11.
Rumours circulated for years that Eade was gay but he ignored them and went about his day-to-day life doing all the things kids in Southland did. He played rugby, hockey and hung out with mates.
He decided he needed to put the rumours to rest when his older brother, former Southland rugby halfback Scott Eade, asked about them. Cameron told his mum first – the whole family accepted his sexual orientation.
It came as somewhat of a surprise that people would be so accepting of him in a city like Invercargill where rugby and farming didn’t feel to him like a natural fit with his homosexuality .
Studying in a more diverse city like Christchurch has also helped with his own acceptance of being gay. A third year law and politics student, Eade has found a ‘‘like-minded’’ crowd with which to talk and socialise.
He has one regret and that’s not using his position as head boy as a platform to reach out to other LGBTQ pupils.
But he has one piece of advice for others: ‘‘It’s not something you need to rush. Get comfortable with it in your own skin.’’
It was just an unhealthy environment because I associated school with that internalised fear. Matthew Denton