Sport’s tussles don’t float my boat

Iam a traitor, a turncoat, a grinch. I am a snob, a misanthropist, a curmudgeon. My patriotism is questionable, or so I’m told, because I couldn’t give a rodent’s ringpiece about rugby or the America’s Cup.

We won the boat race, apparently. Great. Lord knows, winning feels good, doesn’t it, in these tense and troubled times? Cue the usual headlines about how we’re ‘‘punching above our weight’’.

But does it make me any less of a ‘‘real New Zealander’’ if I admit that I do not care? Must I be ecstatic about every competitive tussle between a local team and a bunch of athletes from some other nation?

Does it matter in any substantive way if, in the orgy of flag-waving that always attends these contests, I am off somewhere with other uninterested compatriots, doing something else?

And just to be clear, I am in no way ‘‘anti’’ the America’s Cup.

I bear no ill will towards our noble athletes who did the business in Bermuda. I appreciate their dedication, their courage, their ability to excel while, you know… damp.

I raise a glass to the boat-designers who out-teched the opposition, though of course, I will raise my glass to anything if it brings it a little closer to my lips. It’s just that sport doesn’t really, um… float my boat.

I’m equally uninterested in the rugby, despite having been born and raised in a land where many regard this as heresy.

I have no beef with the All Blacks, which is perhaps wise, given their size and strength. But I could only name a couple of them, and have never watched a TV test match, even when I don’t have other important stuff on like, you know, washing my hair.

Where some obsess over sport, I obsess over music, though I in no way believe one to be ‘better’ than the other. Both are forums for dizzying displays of skill, nerve and creativity.

An interest in music and sport aren’t mutually exclusive, of course; I just missed the sport gene. I’m more interested in the daring dummypasses of Aldous Harding than the All Blacks, more moved by the wild roar and cat-scratch dancing of Lorde than the Lions tour.

Sporting contests have the sort of grand gladiatorial narrative that plays well in the media, especially when athletic prowess has become so closely entwined with notions of nationhood.

My issue, really, is the monumental blanket coverage such sporting contests receive via every available outlet, as if every last man, woman, child and dog in Aotearoa was riveted by this stuff.

Can’t we just acknowledge that we don’t all love the same things, without a host of self-appointed cultural referees whipping out the ‘‘bad Kiwi’’ red card?

I love this country as much as anyone who paints team colours on their face and screams themselves hoarse at rugby games, or gets up at unholy hours to watch boats barreling across some far-flung squally bay.

Despite zero enthusiasm for sport, I am a proud New Zealander, so please – give me a break.

Where some obsess over sport, I obsess over music, though I in no way believe one to be 'better' than the other.