Election 2017: a voter’s guide
The lead-up to a general election can be a confusing time for voters, but David Slack has done the research so you don’t have to.
So you’re thinking of voting this election day. Congratulations! It’s probably worth doing, even if no-one else seems to be bothering.
Everybody used to, but those were simpler times. The shops were closed all weekend, and Saturday afternoon radio was just rugby and the second leg from Awapuni. You made your own fun, so whenever you got the chance you’d pop down to the polling booth to vote for a landslide and put a few cabinet ministers out of work.
Last election, about a million eligible voters stayed home, possibly because the media has turned it into a circus, possibly because many people feel their life has no meaning outside of Instagram.
Never mind, here you are, ready to vote and that’s great.
You’ll be wanting to know what to do. I like to walk in and say in a loud voice: ‘‘I’m here to vote for the ACT Party. Where’s the VIP lounge?’’ But, actually, you just have to identify yourself, collect your voting papers, walk over to the booth and and make sure you take the cap off the marker pen before you try to tick anything.
But where to put your tick? Only you can decide that, but here are some questions voters are asking this election: Why did John Key resign? WHAT’S THE REAL REASON? I read on Facebook he got busted trying to give a $1 billion to Hillary Clinton. Ohmigod was he having an affair with her? Just let it go. He’s gone. Cherish the brighter future he brought you, the affordable houses, the pristine waterways, the public transport system, the pandas. And then if you believe that Bill and Steven and Paula and Nick can keep the dream alive, you know what to do. I heard National are building 60,000 houses. Will that change everything? What they are actually doing is lending money to councils in a way that enables councils to say to credit agencies they haven’t borrowed any more money, no sir, not a dollar. Then the councils can use the money they haven’t borrowed to put roads and sewerage into new subdivisions. Then developers can put up new houses. Possibly 60,000 of them, possibly at affordable prices. I heard Labour is building 100,000 houses. Will that change everything? It’ll take 10 years, so probably not. But at least they’re bringing a nail gun. That Jeremy Corbyn talks my language. Does Andrew Little? If you think that ‘‘It’s time for a fresh approach’’ sounds the same as ‘‘For the many, not the few’’, then yes.
The crucial question you have to ask yourself is: would you prefer a society that only raises rich kids, like Eric, Donald Jr and Ivanka?
I heard Todd Barclay is collecting $3000 a week but doesn’t have to do any work. How can I vote for that sort of thing to stop? You can’t. Will this election be about people having kids when they can’t afford them? Yes, the crucial question you have to ask yourself is: would you prefer a society that only raises rich kids, like Eric, Donald Jr and Ivanka? Is it true to say that ordinary people can spend their money better than governments? Of course it is. You can prove this any time by building a hospital or motorway with your tax cut. I love flying Air New Zealand but I can’t bear to watch another safety video. Who can I vote for who will fix this? No-one. But if you vote for Gareth Morgan’s party, or the Greens, you’ll be able to grow your own weed and get nicely baked before you get on the plane. I had to sit next to Winston Peters on a plane the other day. Why can’t you open the emergency doors mid-flight? Cabin pressure. But if you vote for Gareth Morgan’s party or the Greens, you’ll be able to get nicely baked before you get on the plane. What does Blue Green mean and why is the National Party’s pollster trying to make it happen? Have you ever wanted to eat a whole chocolate cake and not share any of it but also not wanted anyone to say ‘‘you pig, you ate all the cake?’’ It’s a bit like that. I want to vote the way everyone else is voting. How is everyone else voting? Ask Paddy Gower.