David Slack.

It’s time we took a leaf out of Glen Campbell’s songbook and tried a little kindness, writes

What a tortured fractious time we’ve all been having, New Zealand, haven’t we, while we wait for that complete moron in golf trousers to microwave us.

Has it ever been this bad? Apart from the Springbok tour and Vietnam and the 1951 Waterfront Strike and the Queen St riots and the New Zealand Wars, we’ve been pretty good until now at getting along really, haven’t we?

Maybe it’s because on the internet you can call someone a ‘‘leftie, socialist c-bomb who takes offence at an ant crossing a road’’ and just like that, she’s all on for young and old.

No-one ever says that sort of thing at a family Christmas dinner, but that’s what I saw on Facebook this week: a prominent family hurling great big mounds of political opinion at one another.

Maybe it’s that you can’t turn on your radio without hearing Matthew Hooton or Mike Hosking calling someone disgraceful, or a crook.

So much spittle, so much venom, so many days to go.

Is it not too late to save this marriage, or at least stop telling one another to go and get expletived as we pass in the hallway?

Would it help to take stock of what we all agree on? Let’s try.

Kittens. Kittens are adorable. Who doesn’t love kittens?

‘‘What about Gareth Morgan?’’ you will ask, and I will say to you: let’s have a look in his browser history. There you go! What did I tell you? Isn’t that ginger one adorable?

But Gareth has a point, and it’s this: get rid of the cats and you fill the bush with birdsong. He loves the bush, and don’t we all? Aren’t we the last loneliest and loveliest corner of the world? Isn’t that something we’re all agreed on?

How disappointed would we be if that heart-aching beauty was in any way endangered? Needless to say if we can protect it by, say, scrubbing our boots, or making sure waterways aren’t contaminated, we do whatever we can, each of us, whenever and wherever necessary, without hesitation. That’s how much we care, we’re bound together by that.

Making fun of Gareth’s cat thing is a bit of an easy hit, though. And that’s something else we all agree on, isn’t it? We don’t like people taking an easy hit. We believe in a fair go. We love it so much we made a TV show out of it. Best TV show ever made, if you ask Brian Edwards, who is an experienced media commentator.

So much in common, so many shared values.

We all love the beach, the barbecues, the barefoot days. Or at least, we all used to like it, but then some people started calling it ‘‘chilling and kicking back’’ and, well, as far as I’m concerned, now you’re dragging your nails down a We all love Glen Campbell. Soundtrack of our lives, beautiful wistful songs. Still on the line. Would it help to try a little kindness? blackboard. Cut it out will you? Also, who puts a marble benchtop in a bach?

Sorry about that, forgot for a moment I wasn’t on Twitter.

Glen Campbell. We all love Glen Campbell. ‘‘Listening to a Glen Campbell playlist,’’ my friend Nat wrote this week, ‘‘and realising I know all of the words. All of them.’’ Soundtrack of our lives, beautiful wistful songs. Still on the line.

Would it help to try a little kindness?

Do we all at least agree that there are times when the State should help people in need? Perhaps we don’t, but let’s just pretend that no-one is that stone-hearted or cold-blooded.

And if we accept that, then is the objection about Metiria Turei that she was economical with the truth, and wasn’t deserving enough?

Because whether or not she was, that doesn’t disqualify her argument.

She has been saying for 15 years that for many poor people, the support the State offers is not enough, and if you take that support, you can find yourself being treated harshly.

Fifteen years and, she felt, getting nowhere. She tried something more audacious, it blew up in her face.

There has been a hunt and a bloodied head at the end of it. It won’t be the last, there is never a last one.

And at the end of it all, life for our poorest people is still meaner and more miserable than it needs or ought to be.

In his most inspired move yet to combat the ‘‘fake news’’ media, US President Donald Trump this week launched his own ‘‘real news’’ channel, complete with its own ex-CNN anchor.

This week has probably left our politicians wondering why they didn’t think of that. But don’t worry, this ex-TVNZ anchor has not earnestly intoned news – real or fake – for some time now and I think I can help, if you just give me a moment to backcomb my bob and powder my nose. (Presenter To Camera) You’re watching Green Party News, brought to you by 100 per cent vegan soysages. Like meat, but not meat.

In this update, Metiria Turei hits back at the Fake News media’s intrusions in her very private, private life which she never made public for political gain.

Metiria Turei says she’s not sorry and won’t resign because .. oh no, sorry, this just in – Metiria Turei is not sorry, but has resigned. Are you happy now Patrick Gower? Sad.

After the break, why the two sad losers who The Green Party didn’t want anyway won’t be coming back…

And why now solo-Leader James Shaw would like RNZ’s Guyon Espiner to shush a bit more and let him answer the damn question.

We’ll be right back after this message from our sponsors, the hungry and poor of Aotearoa. (Fade to black) Over on Delivering for New Zealanders National Network News, a montage of farmers farming, rowers rowing and happy children is playing on loop. (Presenter Voice Over) Today, in the 100 per cent pure, clean, green country of New Zealand, the Prime Minister has just posted one of his legendary Facebook videos – take a look. Today he appears to be doing a little clean up around the office, deleting a few text messages, forgetting a few memories. What a tidy Kiwi. Also making news today, no one who works hard and pulls themselves up by their boot straps is hungry or homeless. The rivers are ‘pretty clean’ and by the way the music we’re playing right now is ‘pretty legal’. Move to New Zealand, our houses aren’t cheap, but you’re welcome to buy them because our workers are lazy or stoned so we need you. More news next hour.

(An urgent breaking news alert comes over the radio. Di-di-di-di-di-di-diiiii)

You’re listening to Little’s Long Gone FM, in news just to hand, the Jacindamaniacs cheer squad is meeting on parliament’s forecourt in half an hour.

Could Patrick Gower please bring the pom poms Gerry Brownlee sent him, we need to update the colour scheme before taking you through the warmup. Reporting the Real News, I’m Nadine Higg…. (A man in a double-breasted suit, smelling vaguely of whiskey and cigarettes, storms the studio.)

I’ll take it from here, thank you. Welcome to an Intimate Hour with the Kingmaker. Now, about these completely egregious fake news polls… Don't worry, this ex-TVNZ anchor has not earnestly intoned news – real or fake – for some time now and I think I can help.