What to get our MPs this Christmas?
Whether they’ve been naughty or nice, Santa’s packing presents.
Ding dong merrily on high, we’re checking out for Christmas. If you already have checked out of politics, I don’t blame you. The sun is shining, the bars are suspiciously full before the end of the work day and frankly, given the way politics has dominated this year, a break from it can be a healthy thing.
But our politicians have spent the year working hard and they’re taking it to the wire, convinced New Zealand is still listening, right up to the final days of Parliament.
So in the last Sunday Politics column for the year I have, for a few, some gift ideas that may come in handy next year.
Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern
Frankincense, myrrh and a cork hat.
A fragrance – for the modern woman who delivered her party a Christmas miracle. And while the left might praise her as the Messiah who led them into the light, the conservative Australian Government is not convinced.
So blowflies, blowhards, the classic Aussie cork hat can handle either – coming in handy to swat away intelligence leaks, trans-Tasman claims of inexperience and even the steeliest of death stares.
National leader Bill English
A new road and a Fitbit, wrapped in stardust.
A man of simple tastes, all English needs is a ‘Nationally’ significant road, with four lanes, some smart signage and enough of a shoulder for a walk-run.
Wrapped in stardust, there’s no end to the magic a sprinkle of the good stuff can bring. A wedge issue to drive between the Greens and NZ First? It’s the Kiwi dream for nearly 45 per cent of us.
Deputy PM Winston Peters
A fishing rod and reel.
A grunty one, that says on the card it can bag a marlin. But it only came from Rebel Sport, sorry, so his High Court fishing expedition to try to squeeze information out of journalists about their sources sees the line slack at the last minute.
Net ready, Peters was looking forward to landing the big one off his jetty in Whananaki, but all that breaks the surface is a manky old boot with a worn nametag on the inside. It’s a bit grimy but he makes it out: ‘‘Lloyd Burr’’.
Defeated, he spots something dive out of the water triumphant in the distance. Then the ripples turn still.
Greens co-leader James Shaw
Someone to lean on.
It’s been a lonely road to the top for the sole Green Party leader; and he’s ready to shake off the ghosts of 2017. A new female coleader to stand by his side at press conferences.
No more late nights at the office listening to Celine Dion’s ‘‘All By Myself’’, Shaw is getting back out there with a vow made in the mirror: ‘‘2018 is your year, James’’.
Are you out there? All Shaw wants for Christmas is you.
ACT leader David Seymour
A megaphone loudhailer.
Useful for the euthanasia campaign that’s about to get real in the new year, this plucky leader of the smallest of parties will get a major spotlight shone his way when his euthanasia bill is put to select committee.
Then every man and his dog will have an opportunity to submit on the emotive topic and Seymour’s voice will be at the forefront of the debate.
After which he will struggle for airtime completely, being the leader of a one-man-band in Opposition.
National finance spokesman Steven Joyce
Nothing.
There was a hole in the bottom of his Christmas stocking. Sad.