The only trans in the
Children’s author Kyle Mewburn lived a double life for decades, keeping his secret even from his wife. But one day, he decided he could no longer endure the deception. Johanna McKenzie-Mclean reports.
Atall, slender figure walks towards me and, arms outstretched, gives me a warm hug. Author Kyle Mewburn guides me to a low, cushiony seat in the conservatory and sits down opposite me with clean-shaven legs crossed. He makes a good woman, I think, admiring her shapely legs, choice of nail polish, outfit and shoes.
Getting nice shoes to fit size elevens is a hassle, Kyle laughs. So is still having a numb chin from surgery and waiting for hair to grow in, she says, running her hand over her shaved head. Spikes of stubbly hair thinly disguise a scar that runs over the top of her scalp.
Two months ago a much different Kyle greeted me. She was a he, and was three days from flying to Argentina to receive feminisation facial surgery.
Kyle lives with Marion in a quirky, selfsustainable home she built herself on the outskirts of Millers Flat, a rural Central Otago town surrounded by orchards and farmland with a population of about 200.
For six years the couple have lived a double life harbouring Kyle’s secret, that she is transgender. It has been a secret Kyle has carried all her life. Until now.
The pair are well-known public figures in the community – Kyle an author of children’s books – and winner of the Joy Cowley Award in 2005 – and Marion a well-known potter. They attend exhibitions, public functions, and book launches. People never thought to question why Kyle always wore long pants during the heat of summer. Little did they know, underneath were shaved legs, and bright red painted toenails tucked into the shoes.
‘‘I have always known. As a child I used to lie awake. I used to go to bed and used to think if there was a God and He would change me, then I would be the best Christian or whatever in the world . . . you make promises and deals with God and nothing ever happened of course . . . Here I am. I am offering anything to not be like me.’’
Six years ago, Kyle was once again lying awake. She had made the decision it was time to do the most ‘‘terrifying’’ thing of her life and reveal to her wife of more than 20 years she was transgender. Marion had no inkling.
‘‘I was lying awake, shaking basically. I got up and thought, ‘I have to tell her, I have to tell her’. We came out here and had a coffee and I said, ‘I have to tell you something’,’’ Kyle says.
Marion recalls it clearly: ‘‘He couldn’t speak, he was shaking and pacing back and forth. I remember him saying, ‘I’m that scared, I can’t even say it’. I was saying, ‘what can that be that bad?’ When he said, ‘I am transgender’ . . . I am in the wrong body’. I said ‘is that all it is’?’’
Kyle had always known she was in the wrong body but had been ‘‘deep’’ in the closet.
‘‘A lot of experiences are when people reach crisis points, and eventually they come out when their life is falling apart. I never got to that point. I had reached a point where life is great and yet it is empty because it is not me doing all of this.’’
Marion may have been oblivious to Kyle’s secret but she was aware, despite having found her ‘‘soulmate’’, there was a distance between them.
There had been times Kyle had encouraged Marion to go away for girl weekends so she could steal time alone to dress in women’s clothes.
‘‘I was almost pushing Marion away so I would be free to do it. I would be looking forward to her going to stay away so I could be alone and be myself . . . but then after an hour I would be sitting watching TV thinking what a depressing, sad person you are. Meanwhile, Marion, who is the most important person in my life, is encouraged to go away.’’
Kyle had been secretly dressing up in women’s clothes since childhood.
‘‘When I was a teenager I used to wag school and go home. But it was all so – it didn’t make you feel good. You had to close windows and close doors. It was all secret. It made you feel stupid. It was making almost a travesty of it. The idea of it was exciting – to be yourself for a day or afternoon – but the reality of it was after 10 minutes I thought, ‘what a ridiculous fool’, ‘this is stupid, what are you doing?’
After his teenage years, he lived in Brisbane and repressed his feelings.
‘‘When I was growing up trans, people were either in cabaret or were prostitutes and I wasn’t very good at dancing and I’m not attracted to guys. Once I got to the point of having a more developed intellect, I repressed it and thought, ‘what’s the point? you are never going to do it’. I just blocked it out, tied it up and put locks on the door and put some extra dead bolts in and buried it.’’
When he met Marion, he saw it as his chance to ‘‘be a proper guy’’.
‘‘I never thought I would find anyone because I didn’t have good self-esteem. As a person I was okay, but from a physical perspective, you look in the mirror and think . . . Well, I didn’t look in the mirror most of my life. Once I found Marion, I thought ‘here is someone who loves me for who I am’. I thought, ‘get rid of that, she thinks I’m this, so let’s just accept it and move on’.’’
Marion, wearing a loose cotton shirt with no bottoms and bare feet, lifts her glasses and wipes a tear. Her love for Kyle is as deep as the secret Kyle kept for nearly half a century. Marion never considered leaving Kyle when she revealed she was transgender.
‘‘The thing with our relationship is we were always soulmates. I was sexually attracted to Kyle, but it wasn’t a huge part of our relationship. We have an emotional closeness and that is the stuff that stays as we are getting older.
‘‘Our relationship has become so much more better and fun somehow. That is why this upheaval now can only be a good thing, because it is only
We came out here and had a coffee and I said, ‘I have to tell you something’. Kyle Mewburn
going to get more real. ‘‘There was always that unknown. I remember saying ‘he is so incredibly stable and perfect, either he is hiding something really big or he is the most amazing person I have ever met’.
‘‘I always felt that distance that should not have been there because of the way we were together. I think that is where the grief comes in – what we have missed out on – more than 20 years of not knowing we probably could have more fun than we did.’’
Kyle is a good liar. Marion, not so much.
For six years, Kyle’s secret became Marion’s secret, and together they worked on helping Kyle ‘‘find her place’’.
When the secret came out earlier this year
through smalltown
Things are changing, relationships are changing – some are deepening, some have been lost, but most have been supportive. Marion Mewburn
gossip chains, and Marion’s inability to continue with the stress of lying, not many could see how she could stay in the relationship.
‘‘My women friends in Roxburgh said they would have left their husbands. All apart from one. I was really shocked they said that.’’
Coming out to Millers Flat and the wider Teviot Valley community was emotional and stressful.
‘‘One friend was like, ‘oh, no – The Valley is not going to like it – you will have to move away’. It hasn’t happened of course,’’ Marion says. ‘‘Coming out in a small community has been good,’’ Kyle says.
‘‘We have been part of this community for over 27 years and Millers Flat is very open. There are several lesbian and gay couples – I’m just the first trans one. I think in cities you get the mob mentality as well. Whereas here, we aren’t anonymous, people know us. So, you are protected in a way.’’
Once the valley started to learn Kyle was transgender, surgery was quickly on the agenda.
‘‘It wasn’t about the clothes, it wasn’t about what I was wearing. My problem was every time I saw myself dressed in women’s clothes I thought I looked like a freak. That is what the whole thing is about. I can’t go around and be comfortable with myself because I look at myself and think, ‘no’. That is the only reason for the surgery.’’ Kyle’s face has been through a bit of trauma. It’s been peeled back, chiselled, stapled and tightened to make her look more feminine. She has also had a hair transplant and received liposuction.
Marion swipes through photos of a swollen, ice-packed Kyle during their three-week stay in Argentina, where she underwent two seven-hour operations. ‘‘You don’t realise how much Kyle has actually changed until you look back at the pictures,’’ Marion says.
In the days after the operation came Kyle’s first taste of being public as a transgender woman, stepping out in a short dress and heels. ‘‘I was like, it’s got to be done. Let’s do it.’’
‘‘She paid the price and got really bad blisters on her feet,’’ Marion says, laughing.
‘‘People did stare. There was a macho bloke at the traffic light looking behind
. . . it was a really bad look. I felt really protective actually, and because the nose was so fragile, if there was any sort of kerfuffle you don’t want anything near your face. I was ready to jump in.’’
Back home, in Millers Flat, the couple are learning to live a life as wife and wife.
‘‘Things are changing, relationships are changing – some are deepening, some have been lost, but most have been supportive,’’ Marion says.
There have been tears, but there are a lot of laughs.
‘‘Now would be the time to try on some of your wigs. You should try on one right now,’’ Marion says to Kyle.
We spend the next hour trying on a selection of wigs, admiring new clothes picked from Kyle’s new ‘‘pile’’ of new purchases, and sharing make-up tips.
‘‘I’m excited – this is what girlfriends do with each other,’’ Marion says.
Marion has become an in-home stylist for her new wife, and it is not uncommon for her to bring out a lipstick over breakfast for Kyle to try, Kyle says.
‘‘She is always complaining about my skirts being too short . . . Marion is a bit prudish,’’ Kyle laughs.
‘‘Most of my stuff is Marion’s. There is a long way to go. At this stage, you just want to do stuff and have no-one notice – but it doesn’t happen often. I’m getting used to it. I am just trying to not hide anything any more.’’
The most challenging aspect has been regaining confidence, she says.
‘‘I was confident in what I did, but not who I was. Now, it is finding that confidence again in who I am. The goal is often to pass. You want to look like a woman and pass for one, but part of me is thinking, what am I? Part of being a woman is physiological, part experience but also psychological. And I’ve missed that 50 years, so I can’t really go back and reclaim it.
‘‘For me, it is about me reclaiming a right to be treated in a way which I am not excluded and saying ‘here I am, take it or leave it’.’’