The year of the not-pology
It might look like the batsman has given up and decided to give bowling a go, but Otago seam bowler Warren Barnes uses his unique protective helmet and visor because he believes his bowling style – he is head down at the moment of delivery – leaves him vulnerable to balls sent back, with interest, by opposition batsmen. Barnes combined with Otago Volts coach Rob Walter to design the headgear, which resembles a baseball umpire’s visor and a track cyclist’s helmet. Yesterday’s match, where Otago took on the Northern Knights at Hamilton’s Seddon Park, was Barnes’ second outing with the helmet.
When I was 8 or 9, my mother demanded a boy come round to apologise after he chased me and whipped my legs with a branch on my way home from school.
I distinctly remember her counselling me ‘‘If he says ‘sorry, but...’, it’s not an apology. If he does apologise, do not say ‘that’s OK’, because it’s not. Just say ‘thank you for apologising’.’’ I rehearsed that line, but he never showed up and never said sorry.
This year, many a statement has been made after wrongdoings were exposed, but the more I read the clearer it became that few actual apologies have been made.
The year 2017 was many things, but sadly it was also the year of the not-pology.
As there will no doubt be more narcissists, bullies and psychopaths exposed for what they are next year, here’s my guide of how to spot when they’re not actually that sorry at all.
1.They blame the victim. If the Dummies’ Guide to Apologies was a thing, this would be on page one. Southland cop turned murderer Ben McLean missed that memo and instead said the wife he killed ‘‘broke my heart and soul’’. Yeah, and you shot her in the head which hardly makes you even, mate.
McLean can also help with sign-they’renot-that-sorry number 2: Minimising your actions. He told the court he felt bad for his ‘‘involvement’’ in his estranged wife’s death, as if he was part of a guerrilla crew of 100 and not a lone, bitter executioner.
That’s a cousin to sign number 3: trying to share the blame around so there’s hopefully less for you. Professional creep Harvey Weinstein claimed ‘‘the culture was different then’’ as if everyone was asking for an audience to masturbate. He went on to say that’s not an excuse, despite having already sowed the seed that it might be.
Weinstein, US TV anchor Matt Lauer and comedian Louis CK all exemplified sign number 4: confusing the impact of what you did with the impact it’s had on you. Making your apology all about you is akin to being sorry you were caught and that your life now sucks.
American celebrity chef Mario Batali said sorry plenty of times in his statement but still provided us with another sign you’re not sorry: 5: apologising to the wrong people. He said sorry to his friends, family, fans and his team, but never to the women who had accused him of sexual misconduct.
Then, Batali creatively rounded it off with a link to a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls. I’m not sure what to make of someone who expects reading about their misdeeds might leave one ravenous, but using your apology as a platform for self-promotion is a sure sign you’re not actually sorry.
Apologising is actually incredibly simple. No excuses, clarifications or tasty recipe addendums. Basically, like my mum advised: no ‘sorry, but...’.
Someone told me that something I wrote about the great capability of our new prime minister would not age well. Well, so far so good.
Using your apology as a platform for selfpromotion is a sure sign you're not actually sorry.