Cricket is tickled pink but ABs will paint Twickenham black
The time has come to polish the crystal ball and predict what could happen in the sporting year ahead.
January
Will Holland make it to the World Cup final? Will the neurotic genius of the brilliant orange play the beautiful game as only they can? Look, I’m talking about darts here, treble 20, size of a cigarette filter, just you try it. Not easy, particularly when your opponent is coughing up his lungs like a diva in the death scene from Camille. But for some peculiar reason the Dutch are imperturbably good at darts and on New Year’s Day some bloke with a van in the middle of his name may once again bestride the world of arrows like a colossus. But if your boat is not rocked by watching men with wooden feet throw pointy things at a wall, then there’s plenty of tennis in January. Caroline Wozniacki, Agnieszka Radwanska and Jack Sock come to Auckland for the ASB Classic and then someone else wins the Australian Open (15-28) in Melbourne. Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer swept the board in 2017, and only twice in the previous 48 men’s slams has a player outside the ‘‘big five’’ won a title. So come on someone else, anyone else, even Nick . . . oh all right, vamos Rafa.
February
The Crusaders kick off their defence of the Super Rugby title with an intriguing game against the new Chiefs (24th). The Black Caps, after warming up against Pakistan, have a T20 tri-series with Australia and England. Maybe Brendon McCullum will make a guest appearance. Maybe Jesse Ryder will come in from the cold. Maybe, oh well, it will be fun any way, but perhaps will not grip the rest of the world like Super Bowl LII in Minnesota. In case you are wondering, the Super Bowl numbers off in letters, because some bloke from Kansas thought that Roman numerals were more prestigious. After four numbered Super Bowls America stuck a V up to the rest of the world. But never mind, it’s the one sports event that my family is guaranteed to watch. Oddly, they always seem to miss the first half and then arrive for the halftime show. This year, next year, whatever, it’s Justin Timberlake. Rumour has it that the trousersnaked prince of pop is planning to paraglide into the stadium in an inflatable Donald Trump costume. Timberlake will then duet with Vladimir Putin on I’m a Believer, before being joined by Lorde in a protest song that will result in the end of the world’s nuclear weapons. So don’t miss it.
March
It’s hard to follow Timberlake and Lorde in the spangly world of entertainment, but New Zealand Cricket has come up with the brilliant idea of painting a cricket ball pink and then playing at night. Stevie Wonder did something similar with a golf ball and was undefeated for 10 years. It will be fascinating to see how many people turn up for the day-night test against England at Eden Park (22-26). I am not sure there will be any roof walking like they do in Adelaide, but it is surely still one of the highlights of the year. The Black Caps are a gnarly team under Kane Williamson and are just starting to build a bit of depth. People will also be driving around in circles at high speed in Melbourne, including New Zealand’s own Brendon Hartley, until his engine blows up. Actually his engine should be more reliable now that Toro Rosso have switched from Renault to Honda. Is that worth a free moped, please?
April
I have been fortunate enough to cover many of the world’s greatest sporting events, but in the previous 30 years nothing has compared to the 2000 Sydney Olympics. The sort of grim jobsworths who recently fined a London cabbie for jumping a red light when he was helping people flee the Borough Market terror attack did not seem to exist for that gilded fortnight. Every volunteer, every paid official went out of their way to help you. The sport was a joy that culminated in magic Monday when Cathy Freeman, Michael Johnson and Haile Gebrselassie gave those of us lucky enough to be there an evening we will never forget. Sometimes sports transcends. And so maybe April, 2018, will be another transcendent month. The Commonwealth Games (4-15) will take place on the Gold Coast and I have a hunch it will be a festival of joy. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods will come to Augusta (5-8) once again in search of redemption. Is this the time? Will April be the kindest month?
May
May is surely the weirdest month. The Monaco Grand Prix (27th) has long been one of the oddest events in world sport. Hey, I’ve got this great idea. Why don’t we get these super-fast cars and take them to a rich man’s anteroom where we will send them droning around the streets on a track where they can’t pass another car. Brilliant. But if you don’t like that idea, why not go to Malahide on the Leinster coast and watch Ireland play a test match (11-15) against Pakistan. Cricket in Ireland in May? I’m going for a no-score draw. So perhaps it is as well to get out of mad May as fast as we can, with the US Women’s Open (May 31-June 3) in Shoal Creek, Alabama. Lee Trevino and Wayne Grady won majors there, so it may be a course to suit Lydia Ko. Let’s hope that the white folk who have moved out of central Birmingham don’t start a race riot at the amount of Asian women contesting their national championship. Seven of the last 10 winners have come from South Korea.
June
Yes, France will be playing three tests against the All Blacks (9, 16, 23) and the US Open (14-17) will be played at Shinnecock Hills, one of the world’s great golf courses, but everyone except America (didn’t qualify) will be tuning in to football’s World Cup. It shames Fifa and the game that the tournament will be held in Russia. With a man like Vladimir Putin supervising a regime that has blatantly used drugs, no major sporting event should be anywhere near Russia. But then this is Fifa, the organisation of Sepp Blatter, Chuck Blazer and Jack Warner, the men who built the railroad on which football’s global gravy train runs. What a bunch of shysters. And we haven’t even got to the players yet.
July
The Open golf championship (19-22) will be played at Carnoustie, arguably the greatest of all links courses. Wimbledon (2-15) will be bringing summer to New Zealand as we wonder whether Roger Federer can defend his title a month shy of this 37th birthday (although Dominic Thiem recently predicted that 2018 will be the year of a resurgent Novak Djokovic). The Tour de France (7-29) keeps turning and I repeat my question of last year – will the wheels have fallen off the dodgepots of Team Sky by then? But it’s back to the World Cup and the final to be played in Moscow on the 15th (or 3am in New Zealand, thanks for that). It used to be the case that European teams won when the tournament was in Europe, and South American teams won out of Europe. But the pattern now is that European teams win, having been victorious in four of the previous five. Only Brazil, who qualified mightily, look capable of ending that run. But are they mighty enough to resist the power of Spain, Germany, France, European champions Portugal and even Belgium?
August
Oh my God, just when you thought the football season was over, the English Premier League season starts (11th). It will soon be moved back to July. I am not sure soccer is even a sport any more, but an international opium that is traded at increasingly ludicrous prices. As I write my son is bellowing away in the background as Manchester City score another goal. What with fantasy leagues and Fifa playstation, he’s hooked. Fortunately for the saner reaches of New Zealand, there are less addictive pleasures. The women’s British Open (2-5) will be played at Lytham, the magnificent, quirky Victorian links that runs alongside the railway line. The sailing World Championships (July 30-August 12) are on in Denmark. Rule Aotearoa, Aotearoa rules the waves – the scansion’s a bit dodgy, work in progress. There’s more golf, in sports-mad Missouri this time (PGA – 16-19). And the US Open tennis gets underway (27th). So no soccer please, we’re Kiwi. Oh, and it’s the Super Rugby final on the 4th, and we’re bound to be playing in that.
September
Rowing, golf or tennis. The big event is the Ryder Cup, to be played for the first time in France (28-30) at Paris National, the site of an old rubbish dump, but one of the best courses on the continent. The Americans think they have cracked the code and will have Jim Furyk as captain, who may be hard pressed not to pick Tiger as a wildcard. Wouldn’t that be a fascinating, seismic dilemma. The Europeans had cracked the code and then started appointing captains (Darren Clarke, Thomas Bjorn) on a warped popularity, Buggins’ turn vote, rather than on the tactical brilliance of men like Paul McGinley. Oh well. There will be a lot of flag waving and some magnificent songs (there are only two Molinaris, two Molinaris) from the Euro supporters. The US Open tennis will come to a raucous conclusion on the 9th and the World Rowing Championships (9-16) will be shifting water in Plovdiv, the beautiful ancient city of seven hills in Bulgaria.
October
The All Blacks will win the Rugby Championship again, culminating in their customary final game in South Africa (6th). Can someone please change the order these matches are played in so that every now and then New Zealand also have to put in some serious early air miles? The World Gymnastics Championship take place in Doha (October 25-November 3). What an odd choice of venue. The Qataris are not exactly renowned for their love of uneven bars, but then the last time I was there they swiped my bottle of whisky at customs, and seemed to have a thing against any type of bar. You’ll have far better luck finding grog in the north of England where the Kiwis will be in Hull for the first rugby league test against the Poms. Sorry, maybe that wasn’t tactful. It seems that the New Zealand team and drink are not exactly good mixers. Maybe they should take the gymnastics to Hull and the rugby league to Doha. There’s a thought.
November
The ICC Women’s T20 World Cup will be bashing a cricket ball in the West Indies (3-24) and there will be many an iffy moustache at the Melbourne Cup (6th). But the big one is England versus the All Blacks at Twickenham on November 10, where Rieko Ioane scores a try from the end of the earth in response to the Poms singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Steve Hansen then tries to sound gracious in victory: ‘‘I’ve a lot of respect for Eddie Jones. We’re not always on the same page. Sometimes we’re not even in the same library. He does like to talk, doesn’t he? What did he say about Beauden? But I’m not going to rub it in. It was a tough test match at the end of a tough year and we are thankful for the win. And it’s important to enjoy your wins. Particularly against the English. Who can be a bunch of arrogant bastards. But we respect them, like we respect all teams.’’
December
Not a lot going on. New Zealand Cricket hopes that someone will come here to play them and Beauden Barrett wins World Rugby’s player-of-the-year again, despite missing all but one All Blacks test with injury. Bill Beaumont smiles, thanks the panel for their brilliant insight, and wonders why his car keys won’t start his dressing room wardrobe.
I am not sure soccer is even a sport any more, but an international opium that is traded at increasingly ludicrous prices.