A Guy-ed to the best bits
If I went to Europe, but I didn’t spend a year working in a bar in London before returning home to fill a management position I’m in no way qualified for, did I really experience Europe at all? Probably not, but I’m going to say I have, regardless. And so, this is ‘‘Guy’s Ultimate European Travel Guy-ed. (In 650 words or less).’’
Wow, did I just cleverly integrate my own name into the word guide? To me, that is a sign of pure quality, and this column has everything you need to know to get the most of your next European Adventure.
London. Why here?
There was a time when Great Britain ruled the world, controlling major parts of every continent on earth. Is that true? I can’t be bothered to do the research. They might not have had much of South America, and Antarctica always stuffs up those ‘‘every continent’’ stats, but the point is they were very powerful.
Here’s my question? Why didn’t they want to actually move? They were cocky, taking over Australia and giving it to their prisoners. Have you been to Sydney? That was better land than they had back home.
Every villain in every movie has one of two goals: rule the world or be its richest person. Britain was both, and what have they got from it? A few crappy palaces, two good museums, a bunch of rainy farmland, and your dad’s favourite car show where Jeremy Clarkson travels around the world shouting racist insults at former colonies that have probably surpassed the motherland in almost every way. Wake up.
Top tip for France: their English isn't great. I'd recommend trying to avoid contact with locals, but if you must ask for directions, just speak English loudly and slowly so they can understand you. For example: "Bur-ger King?"
Paris. Appreciate the hate
According to the UN, France is the most visited country on Earth. More popular than China, a country with more than a billion people to meet. More than the United States, a country that has two Disneylands.
One thing I learned from my visit to Paris is that most of the 80 millionodd people who visit every year obviously hate the people they are visiting. The French are the Australians of Europe.
If someone asks you to guess where their accent is from and you guess ‘‘France’’, they act like you’ve uttered a racial slur. ‘‘How would you feel if someone got a Kiwi and Australian mixed up?’’ Fine, actually. I can hardly tell the difference myself. We’re practically exactly the same. The only difference is Kiwis are a bit less racist and slightly more ‘‘humble’’. And by ‘‘humble’’, I mean much less successful at sport.
Top tip for France: their English isn’t great.
I’d recommend trying to avoid making contact with locals at all, but if you must ask for directions, just speak English loudly and slowly so they can understand you. For example: ‘‘Burger King. Can you tell me how to get to the Bur-ger King?’’
Rome. Resting on its laurels
Ironic that the term ‘‘resting on your laurels’’ would come from ancient Rome, (or Greece, it’s easy to get those two old crumbly types mixed up, tbh) yet nowhere has rested on its ‘‘laurels’’ more than Rome. I’m not sure how long it took to build Rome, but I know it wasn’t a day. All we know for sure is that they didn’t do a very good job, as most of it has fallen down. Sad!
Think of Nelson. Imagine if Nelson didn’t have a Burger King, or a cathedral that dates back to the 1960s? (What the heck. They used to bang on about that place like it was 3000 years old).
Imagine if you went to Nelson and when you got there someone said, ‘‘Sorry mate, all the buildings have actually fallen down but you can pay some money to look at the ruins’’. People would think you were crazy, but that’s exactly what they did in Rome. The ultimate con.
Final tip
Here’s a top European travel tip. Save your money, visit Nelson instead, the food is better, the Burger King is easy to find, and our buildings – unlike Rome’s – are actually standing up.