We need to fan the flames
I’d be the first to admit that my columns often feel like unnecessarily provocative click bait or conjecture, slung together 10 minutes before deadline to annoy middle-aged men probably named Bruce.
This week … nothing’s changed! Plus the minute I’ve spent on this intro means that I only have nine left to complete the article. It’s too late to go back now: Kiwis are the worst sports fans on Earth!
I should calm the farm by stipulating that I think New Zealand is one of the top sporting countries… per capita. (Always have to put per capita in there).
And we love ‘‘our sport’’, but just like romantic love, when it comes to sporting passion we are terrible at expressing it. BTW, honey, if you’re reading this: Happy Valentines Day!
I was raised on the the mighty Nelson Bays Rugby team. Before the mighty Tasman Makos, the mighty Nelson Bays were the kings of the second division.
Trafalgar Park was bustling every Saturday with more than 200 fans, and a bunch of old women yelling ‘‘go the Bay’’ at the top of their lungs.
It wasn’t until years later that I learned our main rivals – Hawke’s Bay and Bay of Plenty – also used the same chant. The visiting players probably thought we were supporting them.
‘‘Go the Bay’’ is a Kiwi classic, right up there with the classic Otago cheer: ‘‘Oooootaaaaaagggooooo’’ and the Canterbury yell: ‘‘Caaaaaannnnttteeerrrrbrryyyyy’’. My personal favourite though, would have to be Wellington: ‘‘Weeeeelllliiinnngttttoonnnn’’. Kiwi fans have never been known for their creativity.
We’ve also never been known for our intelligence. Besides occasionally complaining that the All Blacks are ‘‘too good’’, we blame the refs for most losses and call for key players and coaches to be sacked weeks before they win us major competitions.
Unfortunately, I now have to live in Auckland (that was a joke, please don’t send me back to Nelson), a town that doesn’t seem to support a rugby team that wins.
Thank God for the Breakers and, as for us Warriors fans, some might say that we’re dreamers, others would call us idiots ... but we are probably the most loyal in New Zealand.
One of the biggest issues with New Zealand sport is the lack of atmosphere. In recent years, most domestic competitions hardly pull in a crowd.
All Blacks games are so expensive the only people at the games are apathetic corporate sponsors and old, rich dudes who can’t get too excited because their St John medic alert bracelets have run out of batteries.
Another problem is that we’re too relaxed. Where New Zealand fans might sing a song, Japanese baseball fans will have a synchronised umbrella dance. Sure we will fill the pub before the game, but I’ve seen Dallas Cowboy fans pack the carpark six hours before kickoff to barbecue and line dance to rap music. I’ve seen Turkish basketball fans basically set themselves on fire with flares.
I’m not saying this is good behaviour. I’m saying it wouldn’t hurt to have one of our fans light themselves on fire every once in a while. Well, it would hurt them, a lot, but it would also really liven things up a bit. [Editor’s note: No one should light themselves on fire. Ever.]
And let’s not sell ourselves short – we can do it, (liven things up, not set fire to ourselves).
The crowd for the Tonga vs England rugby league world cup semifinal last year was probably the best New Zealand has ever seen at a sports match, and New Zealand wasn’t even playing. A 30,000-strong sea of red flags and Tongan fans singing passionately for their team.
It was glorious and infectious, I was saying Mate Ma’a Tonga for three days before I realised it meant ‘‘Die for Tonga’’.
How were we going to die? Who knows? Judging by the stadium section I was watching from, I would say RTD-based alcohol poisoning was the preferred method. Either that or dancing to Vengaboys on the roof of a moving vehicle.
The point is that it was magical. It was exciting. And it didn’t really matter that Tonga lost (they were robbed) because the experience was so good they could have cancelled the game – I would have paid admission for the atmosphere alone.
Obviously, the celebration of Tongan nationhood and culture is hard to replicate at franchise-based sporting competitions, but I think low ticket prices and chilled-out stadium staff really helped.
It’s the fans who make a good game great, and if we could give our athletes even half of what they give us as they go out there and risk brain damage every week, New Zealand sport would be a lot better for it.