The alternative census David Slack

Asks the questions that really matter in the age of Novopay, EQC and tiny houses.

Well, that’s the census done for another five years, and my word, don’t the questions just fly past when you’re doing them online? It was over almost before it started.

I’d have happily answered many more questions if they’d wanted, frankly.

Maybe they don’t need to ask because they can find out everything else about us from Facebook, but if they want to bulk it out next time, I have suggestions. Here are a couple of dozen for starters.

1. Do you earn more than $400,000 per year, and if so, how many cauliflowers do you own?

2. Do you blame the cost of cauliflowers on:

(a) The fact that it’s not winter yet (b) Paleo maniacs grinding up all that cauliflower rice

(c) Climate change

3. Are you a climate change denier?

4. Are you a climate change denier who listens to Leighton Smith?

5. Are you a climate change denier who has a fancy house by the sea and will be looking to the Government to build a big seawall when the insurance people stop giving you coverage?

6. How many robots do you own? How many of them do you think would be better at running the economy than Steven Joyce? Does that include a vacuum cleaner that keeps crashing into table legs?

7. Given what we know about EQC and the International Convention Centre and the affordability of houses, which of these do you think is the best description of the previous Government?

(a) Responsible economic managers (b) In power for nine years

8. Do you get paid the right amount on time every time, or are you a teacher?

9. Do you work for Novopay and if you do, is it really fixed, or does it still have 11.6 billion problems?

10. What is your job?

11. Do you think you will have it in five years?

12. Does it involve measuring things with a piece of A4 paper?

13. Before this census, how many problems in life had you measured with a piece of A4 paper?

14. Do you think from now on you will measure all your problems with a piece of A4?

15. Do you live near a volcanic cone, and if you do, has it been taken over by a maunga authority and have they banned cars?

16. Have you walked up a maunga where cars are banned and enjoyed the magnificent tranquillity of it all, or are you too angry about the idea that someone would take away your right to drive a car anywhere you want?

17. Do you live near a cycling lane and if you do, have you gone for a ride on one and enjoyed the magnificent tranquillity of it all, or are you too angry about the idea that someone would take away your right to drive a car anywhere you want?

18. Do you live near a cemetery?

19. Would you like to be allowed to drive your car all around the headstones of a cemetery?

20. Does it make you angry that you can’t?

21. Do you live in Auckland and earn the average wage and if so, do you think a tiny prefab house might be your last chance to own a home?

22. Do you think that by the next census, a tiny prefab house in Auckland will cost 15 times the average wage?

23. Do you know and understand the terms and conditions of your house and contents insurance policy, and if so, where in Christchurch do you live?

24. Have you had to deal with EQC? If so, for how many years did you have great difficulty sleeping?

25. Have you worked for EQC? If so, do you have great difficulty sleeping?

26. Do you believe it is improbable that every last woman who reports that she has been sexually harassed has been making it up?

27. Do you believe it is more or less inevitable that almost none of the women who have reported being sexually harassed will have been making it up?

28. Can you believe there are people who believe otherwise?

29. Sorry, there has been an error and your responses were not saved. Please start again, or write your answers on a piece of A4 paper. Thank you for voting ACT.

@DavidSlack