Enough is enough, I’m done!
Is this column late? If it is I’m sorry. Although if I did miss my deadline then this apology won’t make the paper so you won’t see it, you’ll just notice that it’s missing and rightly assume that have retired or died, which is not far from the truth.
If this column does make the deadline then I’m sorry too! The low quality of this entry is bound to make the list of ‘‘laziest columns of the year’’, right up there with Heather du Plessis-Allan’s ‘‘Why I hate cycleways’’ and anything by Mike Hosking.
I don’t dislike du Plessis-Allan or Hosking, in fact, I admire them. Their commitment to putting no effort into what they write or say has inspired me to crank out this shocker.
Basically, I’ve given up. I’ve made it to December and the wheels have fallen off! I had a good run! Well, not necessarily ‘‘good’’ or a ‘‘run’’, but I’ve survived and I feel like – in 2018 – that’s almost something to be celebrated.
I’m on holiday in three days and, like everyone else, I’ve run out of time to do everything I planned to do before I literally take off all my clothes and jump into the sea.
So, for the next three days I’ll be rushing through this list of things to do starting right now as I work my unfinished business into this very column… I call it ‘‘efficiency’’, my editor calls it ‘‘second written warning’’.
First thing on my to-do list is replying to everything in my email inbox. At last check I had more than 173 emails, most of which are probably from Expedia because I booked a motel in Whangarei through them five years ago.
I hate emails. I miss the good old days when email used to be just classic jokes and fantastic penis enlargement opportunities. Now, it’s hotel offers and LinkedIn connections.
To anyone who sent me a genuine email, whether it be for work or pleasure (creepy wink), I am sorry. It’s not that you’re not important to me, it’s that you’re less important than having to go through my emails.
Next on the list is ‘‘Christmas presents for family’’ – this isn’t going to happen, I’ve missed the deadline for most online shopping deliveries and there’s no way I’m going near any shopping malls this week so, to my family: I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t manage any gifts this year, I tried my best… well, I didn’t really try at all… the point is… I love you.
Next, ‘‘book next year’s tour dates’’. I was supposed to book my dates for early next year, or get someone to do it.
I haven’t done either so here’s the plan: if anyone wants me to come to do a gig in their theatre, bar, school, hall, or house, just book the gig and flick me a message and I’ll show up… hopefully. ‘‘Cash only on the door’’ for tax purposes.
‘‘Book a rental car for Christchurch’’. The Christchurch gigs were two weeks ago! I knew I’d forgotten to do something important. Walking two hours from the airport to the gig in the city was a real pain.
Then I was supposed to ‘‘write a thank you card to everyone who has helped me this year’’. Thank you to everyone who has helped me this year – you know who you are. I’m just going to assume you read my columns. If you don’t then… in many ways helping someone is the greatest gift of all, and you should take great satisfaction in a job well done!
I also want to ‘‘write hate letters to all my enemies who have hindered me this year’’.
To all my enemies, all the haters, and all the people who said I was lazy: well done, you were right this time!
I must also ‘‘invoice for the Palmerston North gig’’. To Sarah and the team at Blankspace Productions who put on the gig in Palmy earlier in the year, thanks heaps, I loved the gig; please deposit $350 + GST into my bank account. Cheers.
And finally ‘‘thank everyone who’s read, shared, or supported the columns this year.’’ I love you all, Merry Christmas!