A brief, totally impartial

Simon Bridges says he supports compulsory teaching of New Zealand history, so long as it’s impartial. Fair enough, too! The last thing we need is trained professionals bringing their lefty bias into it. Face the front, class, here’s a short impartial history of our great nation.

As everyone knows, the absolute best place on earth is New Zealand especially when the National Party’s running the show.

New Zealand as we know it really got started in 1840 when a treaty gave Mum and Dad colonisers the right to buy a bit of land and put in the hard yards and earn the rewards that go with success.

There were some wars, then Kiwi Mums and Dads were able to just get on with it. In New Zealand, the thing that matters most is being able to just get on with it. The other important thing is buying land, waiting a while, and selling it.

When people first came here it was all just hills covered in trees, and you couldn’t hear yourself think for the racket the birds were making, but once everyone got on the with the job of putting in the hard yards to get the rewards, all the rimu and totara and kauri came down, and Kiwi Mums and Dads and giant run-holders were able to put sheep on the hills and become the hardworking backbone of the economy.

Then in 1870, the first game of rugby was played in Nelson and, from then on, New Zealand was definitely the best place in the world to live.

Then Julius Vogel borrowed great piles of money to build railways and things, and of course, it all turned to custard, and there was a long