When I want to be alone I play my Doner card
23 minutes of trailers, I was comfortable in my new Doner skin. A few weeks later I brought up my experience with a few mates. Turns out Doners are spreading faster than measles. Doners are taking over the cinemas.
So what are the pros and cons?
Doner movie drawbacks: you may be perceived as a weirdo, you can’t steal your partner’s snacks, and you can’t have any film critic review chats on the way back to the car. Doner movie perks: extra space – no-one sits by you because you are a ‘‘weirdo’’, there’s no partner stealing your food, no partner chewing and slurping in your ear, no partner stealing your arm rest, no kids, no ‘‘Dad can you wipe my bum?’’
And, of course, you can chew and slurp to your heart’s content. Then there’s the silence. Yeah, the movie is loud, but that usual soundtrack of your life has been muted for 118 marvelous minutes. Bliss.
By my fifth Doner movie outing, I had become a Doner pro. I’d buy some chocolate for the wife before I left home, make sure all kids were snoring away in bed and, boom, I was off. Ready to shut off my mind and just let the brain fart. On Wednesday I went and saw Joker. Proudly my 11th Doner outing. I bounded into the ticket line with gay abandon. I strutted proudly down the cinema aisle with my oversized and overpriced popcorn and Coke. I awkwardly, yet casually, squeezed past the legs of a group of people to the one single seat smack bang in the middle of the aisle. Potentially a virgin Doner’s worst nightmare. Not for this seasoned pro. I was squeezed in and surrounded by couples. I flung out my elbows, loudly said ‘‘shhhhh’’ well before anyone actually needed to be quiet, but asserted my dad dominance. Bliss.
Joker: 3 and a half stars. Doner movies: 5 stars.
Rise of the Planet of the
Doners: Coming soon.