Flipping out for the love of a house
Have I told you about the time I paid $80 for the privilege of being grunted at by Avenger Jeremy Renner? It all started with a house. Namely, Renner’s 2013 Los Angeles house flip. Did you know Renner is a celebrity house flipper, and that a man whose Twitter handle is @Renner4Real could have great taste? Well, now you do.
In 2013, the Oscar winner flipped a house with his best mate Kris Winters in Holmby Hills in Los Angeles that, hand on heart, is still the most beautiful house I have ever seen.
I have a file of photos from it buried on my hard drive. If you dropped me into that six-bed, 11 bathroom, 1959 mansion, I could find my way to the front door blindfolded. That’s how much time I love this house.
Anyway, the house had been haunting my dreams for months last year, when I heard Renner was coming to New Zealand for the annual Armageddon convention in Wellington – a more bijou affair than the giant one in Auckland this weekend, but a big deal for the capital.
I told myself, ‘‘Kid, this is your chance. You are going to floor Jeremy Renner with your encyclopedic knowledge of a house he bought, gutted, restored, and sold in about the same amount of time it takes you to save up for a pair of good-quality shoes.’’
Let’s face it, I have come far since I was a spotty teen daydreaming about Simon Le Bon overhearing me humming The Union of the Snake in the supermarket, and asking me to duet on a
Duran Duran album, but not that far.
(Also, this was long before Renner’s ex-wife accused him of threatening to kill her, after which he posted about sitting in a Jacuzzi drinking Champagne, otherwise I might not have done what I did next.)
I spent $80, or about half the cost of a pair of good shoes, to get something signed by the man behind Twitter handle @Renner4real at Armageddon.
I waited in line for 500 hours (well, it seemed like it) for Renner to arrive.
The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing sunglasses indoors. The second thing I spotted was that his hair looked good. I don’t mean neat and tidy, I mean Helene Curtis, Salon Selectives, Timotei good.
Then it was my turn. I walked up to the table and I said: ‘‘Yeah, hi Jeremy.’’ (I did agonise over going straight in with Jeremy, rather than Mr Renner or even a jaunty ‘‘yo, 4 Real’’, but
I was not 7.)
‘‘Hi Jeremy,’’ I said. ‘‘I really loved that house flip you did in Holmby Hills in 2013.’’
To which Renner replied: ‘‘Ugh, huh?’’
We just sort of looked at each other a bit (long enough for my smile to get a little painful), then he slid the autographed picture across the desk to me and I sidled out of the room.
And that was that. As I left, the guy after me handed over a picture of Renner as Jeffrey Dahmer from that 2002 biopic about the serial killer, which was at least as awkward as asking him about a house it’s possible he never knew he even owned. All’s weird that ends weird. Whenever I go to Armageddon, I get carried away and end up getting someone’s autograph.
I have a small pile of them at this point. If an actor has ever been on Supernatural, it’s a fair bet I have their picture and autograph in the back of my closet.
I never regret them, even if I’m not sure what I’m going to do with them all, even when the experience is as dorky as the Renner meeting.
It’s just a weird hobby I’ve picked up that I can’t seem to shake, like stockpiling pictures of flash houses I’ll never own and over-sharing in the Sunday papers.
Sometimes I wince at the money, but then I remember the confused look on Renner’s face and laugh so hard I could choke.
So I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but yes, you should definitely go to Armageddon and blow $60 on a picture with Guardians of the Galaxy’s Sean Gunn.
You should absolutely, positively get a selfie with Wellington’s crack paranormal police officers Minogue and O’Leary and, yeah, if you can afford it, you should go right ahead and drop $80 on an autograph from Draco Malfoy’s dad and former captain of the US Starship Discovery, Jason Isaacs.
And if there’s anyone from Supernatural there, tell them I said hi, because life is short, and besides, what’s the worst that could happen? Just try not to choke.
We just sort of looked at each other a bit (long enough for my smile to get a little painful), then he slid the autographed picture across the desk to me and I sidled out of the room.