Zeit bites: Beware of Shangri-blurgh

Have you ever fallen down a YouTube hole and ended up watching something truly disturbing? Was it something so skin-crawlingly creepy you wished you could suffer short-term memory loss?

No? Well, I’m really sorry to do this to you, but . . . in 1990, American network CBS made a TV ‘‘movie’’

Shangri-la Plaza , and now you know that you can’t unknow it.

How do I describe this thing to you? Words almost fail me.

OK, imagine if American writer H P Lovecraft was alive in the early-1990s and, instead of black worsted suits, institutional racism and elder gods, he was obsessed by Memphis Design, bad acting and pastels – that should give you some idea of the eldritch horror that is Shangri-La Plaza.

Produced in 1990, the ‘‘musical comedy’’ (and I use those words in their loosest possible sense) is set in a strip mall that looks like it was designed by German expressionists on acid, and is the worst thing you will see today.

Hell, it might be the worst thing you see all week which, given the state of the world right now, is really saying something.

It ‘‘stars’’ (again, I am taking liberties with the word) Chris Sarandon in what must be the pinnacle* of his career. He distinguishes himself with a truly shocking ‘‘foreign’’ accent, pencil moustache, and a severe case of the hams.

Similarly hammy are Terrence Mann (Critters, Sense8) and Melora Hardin (The Office), both of whom really should have known better.

But perhaps the most upsetting casting is the little girl . . . an 8-year-old Allison Mack, former star of Smallville, who has been convicted of racketeering after accusations the cult she ran with founder Keith Raniere was involved in sex trafficking and other abuses.

It was created by legendary songwriter Mark Mueller (who penned the Duck Tales theme, as well as Kiwi No 1 Crush by Jennifer Paige) and similarly legendary Nick Castle, who co-wrote Escape from New York with John Carpenter and directed 1980s kids’ classic The Last Star Fighter, but is perhaps best known for being the man behind the mask as deranged spree killer Michael Myers in the original Halloween film and its 2018 reprise.

But let me stress, this is not a horror. It’s meant to be a light-hearted romp. And what better way to convey that than with a succession of disembodied heads ‘‘rapping’’ about the mall, popping out of coffee cups and pretending to have doughnuts and sausages for bodies?

Anyway, I feel so much better for sharing this load . . . Phew.

* Sorry, I mean nadir. Nadir.