Highs, lows and toilet rolls
Our unofficial New Year’s honours list
The Quiet Earth prize for Covid grit
The team of five million! Our highways and byways (but not our driveways) were deserted during the March-April level four lockdown. Essential workers in hospitals and supermarkets ruled the world, while we queued in carparks for a chance to get sacks of flour, and crates of pasta sauce.
Paper plus trophy
Toilet paper hoarders. Where are all those bog rolls now? Stockpiled in bunkers around the country? Being traded on the dark web for other necessities?
Portentous quiz question of the year
‘‘What is 2019-nCoV?’’ the Sunday Star-Times asked in the January 26 edition. The answer was something about a new virus.
Sibling rivalry award
Joint winners this year: Auckland, Wellington, and Christchurch, with an honourable mention to Dunedin.
Pointless argument award
Which city is worst?
Conspiracy theorists of the year
The Covid-5G crowd.
Cynics of the year
Big businesses that took the wage subsidy and then paid out dividends. Runners-up: ‘‘All lives matter’’.
Never Annoy Cat Lovers
The hardware store guy who dumped Rodney the shop cat of Marton in the woods.
David Copperfield award for magical reappearance
Lorde. Runner-up: Sir John Key.
Golden Shears winners
The nation’s barbers at the end of lockdown.
Sound of Silence
Sir Bob Jones, who lost his hearing aid at a defamation hearing. Runners-up: Everyone who forgot to turn the mic on at the Zoom meetings.
Wish you were here
The millions of foreign tourists we used to bitch about.
Shoulda gone to Specsavers
Economists who predicted a recession and a property crash.
Third World Problems
Shared honours between Auckland’s water supply, Wellington’s sewer pipes and the nation’s unswimmable rivers.
Outstanding juggling
Parents during lockdown.
Ivory tower award for outstanding value for the public dollar
Auckland University’s purchase of a plush Parnell property to house vice- chancellor Dawn Freshwater.
For services to brand management
Safety Warehouse.
POLITICS
Canonised: Jacinda Ardern. Cannonised: Judith Collins. Petering out: Winston.
The Mallard duck: The Speaker, for getting taxpayers to foot his defamation bill. All-downhill-from-here mountain biker of the year: David (‘‘Do what I say, not what I do’’) Clark.
Quiet underachievers: The sign language interpreters at every Covid-19 press conference.
Best promotion: Chris Hipkins Penny for your thoughts: Simon Bridges
Maths dux: Paul Goldsmith
The odd couple: Billy TK and Jami-Lee Ross
The OK Corral Staredown (result undecided): Grant Robertson and Adrian Orr on the housing market. Picture-paints-1000-words: To the Newshub camera operator who caught Ashley Bloomfield’s puppy dog eyes while former health minister David Clark admonished him.
Abacus award: For the Covid case counters.
SPORT
Money has absolutely nothing to do with it Cup: Superyacht crews let in during the lockdown. Best supporting performance in a major drama: All Blacks against Argentina. Seven not so sharp: All Blacks captain Sam Cane, for suggesting the fans don’t get rugby Tamworth Terminator Trophy for never giving up: The Warriors Are we really seeing this prize?: The Black Caps What-are-we-doing-in-a-dump-like-this award: The Pakistan cricket team during isolation. Hot Potato prize: The Ranfurly Shield no one could hold on to for long.
Participation award: Athletes who did extreme sports in their homes.
All Kiwis award: For those long rural, beach or suburb walks during level four.
WORLD AFFAIRS
For accurately predicting coronavirus would vanish like a miracle, for graciously accepting election defeat, for services to the orange order and amateur golfing: No nominations in this category this year.
Deliverance Trophy: The Proud Boys.
Grecian 2000 award for standup comedy: Rudy Giuliani.
Best drama/comedy/horror/ soap opera: The United States. This year’s Ocker Shocker: Australian PM Scott Morrison’s holiday during the bushfires. Ghost Riders Stupidity on Two Wheels: The Sturgis Rally motorcyclists.
Honorary Walking Dead: The anti social- distancing zombies clawing at the glass of the state house in Columbus, Ohio.
YEAR OF THE YEAR
Finally, the award for the year of the year: 2020.