A wee bit of understanding at a very early age

My son is not yet three years old and I can already tell he will be a massive figure in the field of economics.

I know this because in a matter of days he has created and reaped untold profit from an economy that deals entirely in the currency of wee.

And because he controls the means of production and can influence market conditions by turning it up or down or off at a whim, he is essentially an oligarch of one.

This makes me both extremely proud and a little bit frightened.

We, as in his mother and father, have to take some credit for this monster as we are the ones who set up the framework that allowed him to grow into such a titan of industry when we instituted a reward system for going to the toilet.

The reward for passing water is what every kid wants and what every parenting expert says you should not give them. The reward is a lolly. Every time he uses the toilet, he gets one. As well as a big round of applause, a sticker and a hug to remind him even if he did largely miss the toilet bowl it’s the effort not the outcome that counts .

It should be noted that I was initially wary of such a weereward system as I never used to be a believer in allowing kids to profit from completing everyday tasks that are not exceptional.

But my apprehension dropped away when I went to my first children’s birthday party and saw what parents regard as treats these days.

It really was quite scandalous. There were no saveloys, no chips, no chocolate biscuits. Instead there was bowls of hummus, cobs of corn and carrot sticks.

I would not have been surprised if the kids were served up organic sawdust as a palate cleanser. It certainly couldn’t be any worse than the seaweed extrusion crackers.

It was an eye-opener and after that I threw my full support into the wee-lolly system. I think my exact words were ‘‘he’s got to be allowed some joy in his life.’’

The system worked wonders. Whereas before he clung on to his nappies as though they were an external organ vital to his very survival, now he was chucking them off in a fashion not too dissimilar to the bra-burning women’s liberation movement of the 1960s.

On the first day he visited the toilet twice. On the second day it was three times. Then it was four. Nearly overnight we had toilet trained him. It was a sweet victory.

Then he began to understand the power of his wee and started going to the toilet as soon as he got up and then straight after breakfast. Then he began going half way through breakfast as well.

At the same time he slowly increased his intake of liquids so before we could realise what was going on we were seriously thinking about needing our own cow and investing in lolly moulds and sticker presses.

He was playing us. Of course he was. He is quite obviously advanced for his age and most probably a genius. This was why he so clearly saw the weaknesses in our approach and laughed at us for so inexpertly meddling with the wee economic model which for eons had worked quite efficiently without any inducement over and above an absence of nappy rash.

But we were powerless to do much about his cynical manipulations of a system set up with the best of intentions because, like all new parents and some governments, we believe being fair is just about the most important thing you can do for a child.

If you say you are going to do something, you do it. And if you promised them reward you give them that reward. There is no backing out. You have to walk the talk 100 per cent of the time.

And should you do this your children will grow up to be good citizens and not murderers. It’s that simple.

Which it really isn’t, so we knew all this was likely to happen. We went into it with eyes wide open and while the system backfired a bit, there were factors we could tinker with to bring the wee economy into balance.

The lollies he gets are now so small as to be classified as confetti and the stickers only come out for the ‘‘good’’ wees. These are not defined in any concrete way so what was good one day is not necessarily good the next.

This arbitrary judgement on the quality of his water is not strictly fair, but I don’t believe he’s quite aware that it’s unfair.

Or he could be biding his time and playing the longer game. Because while the wee economy has settled down there is a much larger economy we have yet to join.

I strongly suspect he is holding out from investing in that one until market conditions are more favourable than now.