Abuse left me at risk of suicide, says victim

Two years of verbal abuse from her partner pushed a Taranaki woman to the brink of suicide. Claire* felt trapped.

Her partner never hit her, but his constant insults and verbal abuse left her scared.

‘‘The more angry he got - I’d think what am I doing wrong? I tried to do the housework up to his satisfaction, but it was never up to his satisfaction. I hope my cooking was to his satisfaction, but every time he would fly off the handle I felt like I was failing.’’

Her self esteem plummeted and ironically the more he told her she needed to lose weight the more weight she put on. ‘‘I felt hopeless and useless.’’ When she got brave enough to mention what was happening to her, people would say, ‘oh he’s not like that, he’s a good sort’, she said.

‘‘I was ashamed and I didn’t know who to talk to or where to go. I didn’t think anybody would believe me.’’

She felt depressed. She doubted herself. And she felt like she couldn’t get out.

‘‘You know when you see an abused dog that was put on a chain and kept into a corner for a long time. That’s what I felt like. I was cowered into a corner.’’

She couldn’t see any way out, but eventually a friend helped her to escape while her former partner was at work.

‘‘She said, ‘you’ve got to get out. You can’t live like that anymore. I’ve got a spare room, move in’.’’

Claire wanted to tell her story so people understand verbal abuse in a relationship is domestic abuse. And it’s not ok.

While the scars from physical abuse heal in a couple of weeks, scarring from verbal abuse can last for years.

And it was after Claire had left the relationship and was getting her life back together that the hurtful words came back to haunt her. They hit her like a massive tidal wave. And they knocked her over. Then her cat got sick, she said. ‘‘That’s what tipped me over the edge. My cat was my comfort and that was it. I spiralled.’’

She couldn’t stop crying and thought she was having a mental breakdown. Her doctor prescribed medication, but one night, before it had a chance to kick in, she hit the wall.

‘‘I thought I can’t handle this. I can’t take it. I was in that dark area, past rock bottom where you don’t want to carry on. You have no emotion. You don’t look around to see you who loves you, nothing matters. I looked at all the tablets I had and thought this could be my answer.’’

She went on Facebook to send a couple of goodbye message to close friends, when another friend asked why she was awake in the middle of the night.

‘‘I said, I had tablets lined up. She pleaded with me not to. She talked me though it. I would have gone through with it. My son was in the next room, but I didn’t even think about that.’’

The next day the friends got together, had coffee and a weight lifted off her shoulders, she said.

Claire is urging people to notice if a friend’s behaviour starts changing.

‘‘I wish someone had taken notice and said this isn’t like you, what’s going on? My old friend was the only one who sat and listened.’’

Taranaki Counsellor and New Zealand’s representative to the International Association of Suicide Prevention, Sylvia Huitson, said verbal abuse was bullying and was aimed at making the person feel bad about themselves.

‘‘Physical bruises go away in a few weeks, but verbal abuse tends to stay with you for ever. If you’re told you are hopeless, you can’t do anything right, those messages can still be with you 20 or 30 years later.’’

It can have a really significant effect on how the woman feels about herself, Huitson said.

‘‘They often don’t have courage to leave relationship. It is the same kind of abuse you can get in the workplace, school, cyber bullying - it’s about putting people down, making them think they are bad or hopeless and trying to keep them under their control.’’

Huitson said Claire was brave for speaking out.

‘‘Her story will help others see it’s not just them being treated like this. And it’s not just women, there are men who are abused by their partners.’’

If people think they know someone who is at risk, please don’t ignore them, she said.

‘‘Ask the person if there is something you can do.’’

*Not her real name.