A sit down with Sir John Kirwan

Endurance athlete Lisa Tamati shares some insights from rugby legend Sir John Kirwan.

OPINION: Horrific mental health statistics, depression and suicide statistics all paint a bleak picture in New Zealand society. It’s the elephant in the room that concerns me greatly. So I went to talk to a man who has an incredible insight into dealing and coping with depression and mental illness to see if he had any answers.

Sir John Kirwan is a man of so many talents and exemplary qualities, he is one of our country’s most prolific try scorers and a winner of the first ever Rugby World Cup tournament. After his playing career John went on to coach the national teams of both Italy and Japan and also lead the Auckland Blues for two seasons.

Beyond the sport of rugby John’s also been recognised for his work in mental health and advocating awareness around better, healthier living. He has been very open with his own battle with depression, so I thought I would share some of his insights.

How to find balance in this ‘‘always-on’’ world

I think that the most important thing for anyone to do is to manage their imbalance, as I like to put it. People always talk about how important balance is but the reality is that most of us aren’t wired that way.

We need to understand our imbalances and learn to work with them to achieve a healthier and less skewed way of living that invariably catches up with us all if we don’t pay heed.

It’s important to make time for our well-being each and every day. People too often overwork themselves, over-commit to too many things, tasks, meetings and what have you, and only give themselves small windows of opportunity to recoup. This is wrong; we need to give our wellness, daily care.

One thing that depression has taught me was to make time for those moments where I can check in with myself. It’s like giving yourself a moment to reset in the middle of a busy day, or when the pressure is on. I give myself what I need mentally and physically to face the day and its challenges.

Avoiding the slippery slope downwards

I think anxiety is based on pure fear and fear is based on reality or non-reality. My fears were based on non-reality. It didn’t make the fear any less real, though.

But as you know, fear is something us athletes cope with daily. When you’re tired, run down and can’t do any more, we know there’s always something left that you can give. Pushing harder is what we’re wired to do.

So in that context, I knew that if I had the fortitude to face the fear that I was feeling head on, that I would be able to push through it and, funny enough, when I started to welcome the onset of anxiety and fear, I was able to diffuse it. I was able to take its potency away and neutralise it, sort of push past it.

That’s what carried me to the other side of depression and I never looked back.

Coping with massive setbacks, grief and failure

I tend to think about failure a little in the same way I do about death. I remember my father’s passing and how I went through a rollercoaster of emotions; from shock to downright sorrow, disbelief and even anger at times.

As I went through these emotions, I couldn’t see it at the time, but in retrospect, I understand that all those feelings culminate in a healing process one must go through in order to grow.

What I can say is that I’m both a better and stronger person because of the different tough experiences I have had. And in fact, the so-called failures I was dealt weren’t really failures. They were some of the most pivotal experiences in my life.

Being openly vulnerable

I wrote a book called Stand By Me, which is about parenthood. One of the best things I learnt from writing that book was that if you wanted your kids to understand life, the best thing you can do is to be vulnerable. Because when you can be vulnerable as a parent, you’re giving your kids permission to be vulnerable too.

It wasn’t an easy lesson. As an ex-All Black being vulnerable isn’t easy.

But it’s helped me be a better father and also brought me closer to my kids. And one thing that’s for sure, being vulnerable by no means makes you weak, people should get that.

I think to show vulnerability shows our humanity.