The Spark that lit my fuse

Regular readers may recall that a few weeks ago I expressed pleasant surprise that developments in our move from Timaru to Leeston were proving to be remarkably stress-free. I’m sure more than a few of you must have chortled and muttered: ‘‘Oh yeah. Well, just wait and see.’’

And you were, of course, absolutely right. While the actual shifting of our belongings 130km north was admirably conducted by Allied Pickfords, the problems began soon after and can be encapsulated in one word: Spark.

Despite having notified the telecommunications giant well in advance of our shift, the broadband connection transfer had not been made on the day of our arrival. No matter, I had plenty of other tasks to complete.

However, after another three days had passed and still no connection I decided it was time to light the fuse under Spark, especially as the cellphone signal at our new house was almost non-existent, meaning I could make and receive only phone calls and texts, but not access the internet.

My first phone call, involving the inevitable epoch-length wait, reminded Spark of our need to be connected. To cut a long and extremely tedious story short, I will treat you to the recorded ‘‘highlights’’:

I made several such calls and in return received a number of texts gleefully telling me I could go to MySpark to resolve my problem. Just one obstacle to that – my phone signal wasn’t strong enough to get on to the internet.

A promised visit by a technician didn’t eventuate. Several texts triumphantly announced I was now connected – I wasn’t. Finally, after several days of frustration I received a message informing me that Chorus would visit the property on December 24 to make the necessary adjustments.

At this point I saw red – and it wasn’t a glimpse of a passing Father Christmas. I knew that if the Christmas Eve appointment was not met (a more than likely scenario) the chances of an internet connection being made before mid-January were as slim as Mexico funding Trump’s beloved wall.

In my next phone call to Spark I insisted on speaking to a supervisor, to whom I unloaded my woes. I pointed out we had been loyal (if not on more than one occasion frustrated) customers of Telecom/Spark for more than 20 years but unless we got a broadband connection pronto our faithfulness to Spark would be extinguished by the end of the day. Within 15 minutes I received a phone call from a technician announcing he would be round in about 10 minutes. Success!

However, 15 minutes later I received another phone call from the now-bewildered technician. ‘‘There’s nothing wrong with your Bowker St connection,’’ he announced.

Finally, the penny dropped. He was in Timaru – and for almost a week Spark had been monitoring the connection at our old address, despite my spelling out our new address every time I called.

The technician obviously reported back this simple but inevitably fatal flaw in Spark’s actions because a couple of hours later we miraculously had broadband. This did something to ease my now considerable stress levels but they shot up again on the Richter scale yesterday at a family barbecue.

Our new BBQ, which had worked perfectly during a test run the previous day, now refused to light. Consequently, a guest and myself spent some time fiddling with the dratted contraption in pouring rain (typical BBQ weather), to no avail.

I suppose I shall have to call the store I bought it from – and at least I can now look up their phone number on the internet.