Communication issues of the silly season
Ibuttoned my dress and attempted to smooth my hair out of its morning dreadlocked state. Knock, knock. Argh, it will have to do. ‘‘You knew we were getting this work done at some stage,’’ hubby tells me over the phone while a tradie stands waiting outside.
I wish I’d had more of a heads up that the ‘‘some stage’’ for our yard to be overturned with dirt would be the same week we were hosting family Christmas.
Hubby struggled to see my point as I warbled down the phone, ‘‘if only you had just told me’’.
Several text messages later and we were finally in unison.
‘‘We communicate without any style, I hope it’s not too late to sit and talk for a while.’’ The lyrics from a popular Kiwi band from my teen years don’t always ring true for me.
It flusters me, as a grown woman who specialises in communication, the amount of effort it takes to make my thoughts and feelings known. Especially to those closest to me. The amount of hours wasted talking through a non-issue because feelings are part of the mix.
A couple of old flatmates of mine used to sit around mocking university degrees and those who sat them. They were young businessmen who believed they knew better.
‘‘A degree in communication! Who doesn’t know how to communicate?’’
A lot of us, actually. So say the hundreds of jobs listed for specialists in the field. It’s high time we shot the messenger.
The manner in which you communicate is as important as the message itself.
So much is conveyed without words, through eye contact, body language, volume of voice. They convey empathy, emojis if you will.
And isn’t it great when small-talk makes way for real conversation? Like when someone who’s usually too polite drops a cheeky f-bomb? In that moment you feel you have switched from acquaintance to BFF.
Everyone’s different. I know people who say they refuse to raise their voices during arguments. I respect that.
There’s a more common trap couples frequently fall into and that’s the dreaded bickering.
As a child, I recall listening in half amusement and half dismay as my grandparents threw verbal barbs at each other from across the dining room. Then they would look up and smile at us. It was pretty harmless stuff. But I remember thinking they were lovable people. We loved them, why couldn’t they be loving towards each other?
I still find myself listening in on others’ conversations, not so much to eavesdrop as to listen to the tone.
Particularly in older couples, I’ve noted there’s often a tone of disagreement or complaint, of whining and explaining.
It’s awkward as heck in social events when a couple gets bickering, but also slightly amusing. Because let’s be honest, we all do it.
Even if you are fastidious in the amount of information you share, the message isn’t always clear or it can be clear to the point of upset.
The manner of delivery should reflect the importance of the topic. Lots of little messages are far more effective than one blow-up from a string of thoughts left bottled for too long.
Some in my circle prefer a rational, facts-first style which makes them efficient communicators in many ways. This typically unemotive form of communicating is lapped up by some and goes down like a lead balloon with others.
I’m on the emotional end of the spectrum but even I know what it’s like to have my rational words crash on sensitive ears. ‘‘It’s frustrating, eh,’’ hubby gets it.
The Christmas break is the most common time for relationships to come to blows.
It’s fun gathering everyone together but what isn’t so hot is having another adult critique the way you do things, simply because you are in each other’s space.
Is it necessary for me to explain why I use a particular chopping board to prepare chicken, or how long I leave washing in the machine? Family can be nosey like that.
Of course, these are comparatively minor issues than the challenges a lot of families face in the holidays, when routines are out, children are home and already tight finances are stretched.
A lot can go wrong when you pull together a ragtag bunch of family and friends who haven’t seen each other all year or who, other than being related, have very little in common.
Pressures big or small can make it hard to be present in the moment and harder to relate with others.
While it’s tempting to bicker – or worse – blow your top, it pays to remember the bigger picture. Step outside, take deep breaths and check in on how you are feeling in that moment and why.
It’s the festive season, let’s lighten up and make it as enjoyable as we can for each other.
So much is conveyed without words, through eye contact, body language, volume of voice.