What to do when your flatmate’s a jerk
Flatmates suck. Sorry, not sorry. There’s nothing more irritating than coming home after a long day to find an extra body in your apartment, breathing your air and taking up physical space.
Aside from just existing, your flatmate probably has a habit (or 15) that you’re not particularly fond of. We’re talking leaving dishes in the sink, playing music too loudly and eating your food.
Learning to live with someone – and how to deal with their habits – can be emotionally, physically and spiritually challenging, says Dr Angela Corbo, chair of the Communications Studies department at Widener University, US.
Sure, living with someone is an experience, a rite of passage, even. And who knows, you might end up liking your roomie enough to have a lifelong friendship, but that doesn’t mean you have to quietly suffer through their bad behaviour.
Here are some tips on how to deal with your roommate’s annoying habits without making things awkward.
Assess the situation
Is it really that serious? If you’re living in close quarters with someone, he or she is bound to get on your nerves at some point. So first figure out how important this point of contention is.
‘‘There are certainly plenty of big issues, especially those that impact your safety or sanity or ability to get a good night’s sleep, but many fall into the category of preferences or simply being different,’’ says Chris Grace, professor of psychology and director of Biola University’s Centre for Marriage and Relationships.
Corbo adds you should ask yourself a few questions before having a conversation to discern if your problem is based on preference or necessity.
‘‘If a roommate neglects to make the bed in the morning, for example, ask yourself if that is something that will prevent you from having a productive day.’’
Communicate effectively
Communication doesn’t just mean saying words to your flatmate and hoping they start cleaning up after themselves. There’s communicating and then there’s effectively communicating.
Before choosing to confront your flatmate, Grace says to take a minute and avoid speaking too quickly or harshly.
He suggests taking time to consider your flatmate’s point of view and acknowledge their perspective as valid, which doesn’t have to be labelled as better or worse than yours, it’s just different.
Corbo adds that communication requires confidence and sensitivity. It’s important to not be aggressive.
‘‘It is one thing to say, ‘It is important to me to have the bed made each day because I feel like it signals the beginning of a new day,’ rather than, ‘I don’t know why you are so lazy and can’t pull up the duvet and blankets when you wake up.’ ’’
She adds that addressing conflict can be uncomfortable and you may stumble in doing so. That’s OK.
It’s not awkward
Confrontation may appear to be awkward because people often view it as a negative thing, but it doesn’t have to be that way, says Grace.
She notes something psychologists call the ‘‘liking gap’’, which is when people think that other people like them less after a conversation.
‘‘This can lead people to feel awkward or disliked, when in reality almost everyone underestimates how much the other person actually likes them,’’ Grace says.
‘‘Thus, more than we realise, our roommates probably like us more than we know, even when we have the inevitable, difficult conversation about differences.’’
You also may need alone time to recover from a disagreement if it didn’t go smoothly.
‘‘Learning to feel comfortable with a friend or roommate after a conflict requires maturity, humility and humour,’’ says Corbo.
‘‘Alone time may be necessary to recalibrate after a conflict but don’t avoid your roommate for too long.
‘‘This extends the period of awkwardness and that can make the problem worse.’’
– USA Today