‘Being alive makes me happy

Oscar Kightley wants to experience life rather than search for happiness. And he knows life can sometimes be sad.

How does that saying go? It’s the clowns who are always the saddest. While Oscar Kightley might not be sad, he certainly has a clear grasp on the realities of happiness – especially for someone who has built a career creating art to make the rest of us laugh.

‘‘I guess I have a kind of childish view of happiness, which is when you’re feeling good – but I’m sure that’s not it,’’ the actor and co-writer of Sione’s Wedding and bro’Town says.

‘‘I find happiness quite overrated and a long time ago I accepted that I wouldn’t be happy all the time and [I needed] to try and find fulfilment and meaning in other emotions. I think this pursuit of happiness can create anxiety and make people a bit crazy and also make them lose focus.’’

Kightley – who has also been a journalist, radio host and theatre producer – discusses the meaning of happiness in an episode of Being Human ,a series that looks at different themes at the heart of the human experience, hosted by Antonia Prebble.

Alongside entrepreneur Derek Handley, Kightley explains how his version of happy has changed as he has got older – and why he’s stopped chasing the feeling.

‘‘I know what makes me happy – it’s being alive,’’ he says. ‘‘I mean, I do a quick check that my people closest to me are alive. And OK. And that’s it. Everything else is a bonus.

‘‘Life demands action and so many people think that life owes you something – but actually you owe life something.’’

Kightley admits finding happiness felt easier when he was younger. That seems to be especially true when it comes to his career as an actor and writer. Now, it’s almost as though he is simply chasing that feeling through his work.

‘‘I remember as an actor with your first plays you’d be happy if you had double figures [in the audience]. You’d think, 12 people, hurray! And then gradually that went up to 30 and then you were getting 50 per cent houses. Then you’d have opening night and you’d think ‘happiness’.’’

But he recalls how, once opening night was over, he would be reminded what ‘‘normal’’ felt like – and so the chase began again.

‘‘You try to create those experiences [with] a film premiere, a series getting made. But it’s that thing, realising that it doesn’t keep you up there. And you’re not supposed to actually, because life is not like that and it’s not possible.’’

Kightley says understanding that cycle has meant his idea of happiness has shifted as he has got older, and has learnt about the reality of what brings him joy.

‘‘Now I’m finding that I’m actually trying to go back to that place of finding happiness in the small things that I used to as a kid. By kind of rooting yourself to the present moment and the place where you are.’’

Obviously, the world is presenting some different challenges than it did when he was growing up and Kightley, like many of us, finds it difficult to look past those to focus on his own pleasure.

‘‘It’s so hard to always feel good about the world, right? Because there’s so many suck things going on. You know, how can we, and our little South Pacific paradise, feel good and happy about stuff that’s going on when elsewhere in the world stuff’s less than ideal. And even in our own backyard there’s a lot of grief.

‘‘I think there are a lot of cultures from the islands where the individual is less important than the group and the individual’s behaviour is considered and viewed as to how it affects the group.’’

Kightley, who was born in Samoa, thinks that community group mindset can bring a higher level of happiness to individuals. He remembers how his grandmother came to New Zealand from Samoa for a holiday – but the difference in how people interacted left her unhappy.

‘‘Show me someone who’s happy all the time and I’ll show you someone on drugs!’’ Oscar Kightley

‘‘She came here for a holiday. She was miserable. Because what do we do with old people generally? Generally we park them in the middle of the lounge and we want them to watch TV. Back home in the village, she’s looking after little ones. There are adults of all ages around, she was happy.’’

So now, the man responsible for some of the finest New Zealand comedy has changed tack. And that involves feeling a little sad sometimes.

‘‘Yeah, I’m not after happiness, I am after experience. I want to experience life. And I know that’s not always happy,’’ he says. ‘‘Show me someone who’s happy all the time and I’ll show you someone on drugs!’’