Three mean girls
Question Answer
We all know a certain amount of sibling fighting comes with most family dynamics, but I think you can rightfully expect some kindness in the mix, too.
It seems as if your daughters have made fighting their default setting, so it might be time to deal with this and turn things around.
I know it’s a hackneyed suggestion, but I really would begin with a family meeting first to discuss the problem and lay out some strategies.
Give them each a chance to think about the meeting and warn them they’ll be asked to talk about why they are so mean to each other and how it makes them feel when the meanness is directed back at them.
You can explain at the meeting about the likelihood of their sibling relationship being the longest relationship they’ll have with anyone, how blood is thicker than water and how unhappy they’ll be if something happens to one of them and their memory is tainted with bad feeling.
Then I suggest you introduce the system you’ve devised. You can get gardening, vacuuming and other chores out of the girls for unkind behaviour, or you can reward the good behaviour.
Meanness isn’t always quantifiable, so your system will have to be transparent and updated as needed.
Even though you want to live in a harmonious situation, you need to be aware that this won’t be a quick fix.
Remind yourself that this will pass and, by the time they’re in their 20s, these girls are likely to be best friends.
Right now, their brains are developing and they don’t have the vision to realise how lucky they are to have each other.
The other factor to remember is that fighting with siblings, the negotiations, the concessions and the makeups are all part of learning how to deal with other people.
They are acquiring peopleand crisis-management skills – believe it or not. Normal, but ghastly!
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.
Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.
To send Mary-anne a question email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.