I’m feeling the pressure
Social media during lockdown has been plastered with virtual quizzes, push-ups, workouts, TikTok challenges, and baking every recipe under the sun. It’s had me feeling some major lockdown pressure.
Not just pressure to do the damn things but to post them on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and wherever else to make sure everyone knows you are being productive and having fun.
It has felt like New Year’s all over again where people are setting all these goals for self-improvement.
Overall I’ve loved lockdown. I’ve been lucky enough to still be working, am in a safe household, and have enjoyed the slower pace of life.
But with every social media post I find myself questioning my experience. Every time I see someone post about the 5-kilometre run they’ve done while nominating five other people to do the same, I feel shame and guilt for the only exercise I’ve done that day being between my desk and the pantry.
Should I be quizzing more, having more Zoom chats, doing Les Mills workouts, TikToking up a storm?
If I’m not doing those things does that mean I’m having a crap lockdown?
Before the lockdown I hated pub quizzes. They made me feel dumb and lasted too long.
But during lockdown? Yeah, sure – why not? That’s what I should be doing because apparently everyone else is.
At the start of lockdown my husband and I made a list of the things we wanted to tick off, but none of them were life changing like getting in shape, losing weight, learning the drums or writing a novel like some people have been doing.
It was more things like organising that kitchen draw that’s a mess, painting the living room ceiling and pulling the dead vegetable garden out.
You know, those things you never have time to get round to. Not things that usually take years to achieve.
Where so many felt anxious going into lockdown, I am feeling anxious about coming out of it.
I won’t be thinner, fitter, smarter or TikTok famous but for the last five weeks I have been the epitome of comfort and coziness and I’ll miss that.
The only thing I wear is some form of pyjamas/activewear/painting clothes combination, so much so that I have forgotten how to dress for the normal world.
I only dress professionally from the waist up now and when my husband had to go out into the real world for work this week he panicked about what to wear and had completely forgotten what was acceptable.
My bank account has never looked healthier, the car is on the same tank of petrol from six weeks ago, I haven’t touched make-up, and lunch is something new and exciting every day. I’m not ready to give that up.
Look, before you get angry and call me selfish, I know coming out of lockdown is a good thing – it means it has worked, that people are healthy, and the economy can start to rebuild.
But it doesn’t stop my anxiety from ramping up thinking about going back to normal life. What is that even going to look like?
Lockdown has been such a rollercoaster of emotions where some days feel like a monumental feat just to get through them, whereas others are filled with gratitude. And that’s OK.
Reminding ourselves that we don’t have to show the world we are doing something with our time in order to feel valid about lockdown experiences is key. There is no right or wrong way, and how you have done it is completely up to you.
I am learning that if I have put on a couple of kilograms by the time we finish this thing, that’s OK.
If I haven’t completed everything on my lockdown list, that’s OK.
If I have only baked one banana bread instead of 20, that’s OK.
If the only TikTok I did was my dog jumping over towers of toilet paper (and actually it wasn’t even done in TikTok, it was just a video we made which actually took way longer than a TikTok), that’s OK too.
Focusing on our own households rather than what others are doing to pass the time will leave us more content at the end of this thing.