Giving toddlers choices isn’t a silver bullet
Question
One of the most common pieces of advice I’ve seen for dealing with behaviour issues from 2-year-olds is to offer them choices. I’ve seen it work fantastically with my nieces, but for my daughter, it causes her to completely shut down almost every time. If I do it when she’s disagreeing about something, such as offering a choice between walking nicely or riding in a stroller, she will get more upset. It’s almost like she knows she doesn’t like either of those choices but can’t really explain that. If I do it in a more positive circumstance (offering a big spoon or a little spoon), she gets frozen by indecision and will reverse course as soon as I go with whichever one she picks. Help! What is going on?
Answer
Ah, choices. I don’t know when or how choices took such a strong hold in the parenting world, but they really stuck. A good amount of my clients have major choice problems, and they come in all shapes and sizes.
Some parents offer too many choices, confusing the child. Some parents offer ‘‘fake’’ choices, meaning they really don’t want to give the child options but are afraid to say no for fear of the tantrum that will ensue. Some parents are offering choices even when it is developmentally inappropriate.
A 2-year-old is a wholly emotional creature. This means your daughter is experiencing her life in real time, one big emotion at a time. Her ability to be rational and thoughtful is growing day by day but at 21⁄ 2, she cannot be expected to show any measured logic or consideration. And what is needed when making a choice between two or more things? Thoughtful consideration! Does your daughter look like she can do this?
What I love about your question, though, is that you have collected all of the data to prove the point of what I have just written. You witnessed a great technique working for your nieces, so you tried it. Great! Then you discovered that when you use choices for tough times, the technique didn’t work.
And when you used choices that were seemingly innocuous (the spoons), it also didn’t work. What a gift! You tried a widely known parenting technique, and it failed (for now).
Not to sound simplistic, but stop using it. Stop giving choices. Make the decisions for your daughter – the way nature intended. We carry around these big brains, and it takes a long time to mature. It is the very essence of parenting to make decisions on your child’s behalf while she is this young. It isn’t bossy or controlling or stifling her voice; it is developmentally appropriate.
When we make loving decisions for our young children, they are more likely to feel safe and secure. When you give an emotional 2-year-old too many choices, it can cause dysregulation and uncertainty, give away too much of your authority and create power struggles.
Does this mean you will never offer choices? Of course not. Before you know it, your child will demonstrate the required patience to consider options and make a decision. It isn’t the strategy of choices that is the issue, but the timing and the needs of your child. Trust nature to do its work, and for now, relieve your child of the burden of choices. You are meant to make the choices.
It is the very essence of parenting to make decisions on your child’s behalf while she is this young.