Dads who swapped pay packets for nappies
It used to be the only option. Now only a small minority of parents choose to stay at home to raise children. Stephanie Ockhuysen reports.
Michael Ainsworth highly recommends being a stay-at-home dad and believes more men should give it a go.
The Taranaki man says it made him a happier and has given him perspective.
‘‘I remember seeing ladies with their prams catching up at cafes and I would instantly turn my nose up and think ‘these women, all they do is get together and talk about s..t’ but now I’ve been a stay-at-home dad I realise that there is a huge longing for adult conversation because you’ve got these toe rags hanging off you 24/7. ‘‘
As more parents choose to return to work, the number of men choosing to take on the stayat-home parent role has risen in New Zealand.
There were 56,100 women with a child under 12 months in the September 2020 quarter, Statistics New Zealand figures show. Of those more than half were employed or looking for work.
In the same quarter 18,600 men were not in the labour force due to looking after a child – up from 14,200 in September 2016.
Ainsworth is a father of five but only took on the stay-at-home role with the arrival of his youngest, two-and-a-half years ago.
His partner was finding it tough and wanted to return to work, and he was over his job, so it made sense for them to swap.
He has worked on construction sites most of his life and says often guys would complain about their wives and say they do nothing all day.
‘‘I’ll tell you what, you’re not doing nothing, you’ve got to be mentally strong for it.
‘‘Quite often the average working male, when the wife says ‘I need you to help me around the house’ he thinks she wants me to mow lawns, clean the car, repair the fence, build a deck. But really what she’s saying is ‘I need you to get kids’ lunches ready, I need you to put the dishes away, I need you to
fold the laundry, I need you to start the washing machine’, all that stuff that is directly involving the kids.’’
When he decided to make the change from paid work to stayat-home dad, Ainsworth says the reaction from those around him was positive, overall.
However, stay-at-home dads are still a small minority and at parent and baby groups he was often the only man.
‘‘It was hard, I was the odd one out, I just had to roll with that, but most of the time I just sat back and said nothing.’’
While some men are happy to have the opportunity to stay at home with the kids, others feel the need to defend their manhood.
‘‘I hear anecdotes of dads who
are really excited at the prospect and really didn’t know it was a possibility,’’ Taranaki Plunket community services coordinator Rose Haskell says.
‘‘The other side of the coin is there are some who feel the need to stringently defend the decision. Like ‘it’s because she gets paid a little bit more and I didn’t choose this life’. So there’s still that pull of ‘just because I’m staying at home, I’m still a man’.’’
Due to the rise, and seeing a gap in the market for a support group for dads, Haskell started a dads and bubs group for fathers to get together and shoot the breeze, share their struggles and celebrate the wins.
For Te Rina Waiwiri and Darren Roebuck, whose third child was due to arrive late December, it made more financial sense for Waiwiri to go back to work and Roebuck to take on the stay-at-home parent role.
Waiwiri says with her daughter, 3-year-old Jordyn, she stayed home for six months because it was her first child, but then when 18-month-old Niko arrived, she returned to her job as executive manager at the Western Institute of Technology Taranaki after three months.
‘‘I tagged out and tapped Darren in.’’
The pair say it made sense to transfer the rest of the government-paid parental leave to Roebuck as Waiwiri earned
more. At first Roebuck didn’t want to do it, but says he soon adapted.
‘‘It was easy, I love it, it keeps me young.
‘‘I worked around them rather than them trying to work around me.’’
Although the stay-at-home parent role has traditionally been filled by women, Roebuck says he only ever got positive comments from friends and family about doing it.
When their third child arrives, Waiwiri will again return to work after three months and Roebuck will take over but without the paid parental leave transfer.
Because of Covid-19, Roebuck’s hours have reduced and so don’t always meet the 10-hour per week minimum to qualify for the leave.
‘‘I still go to work in the mornings and then come home at seven for her to go to work.
‘‘I was driving trucks but I’m in the office and organising the loads now.’’
If they could afford for Waiwiri to be a full-time stay-athome mum, she’s not sure if she would want to.
‘‘My role is quite busy and I like it.’’
‘‘And what she gets on 40 hours, I’d have to do 70 hours to make,’’ Roebuck says.
Tomorrow: Stephanie Ockhuysen asks herself whether she can be a stay-at-home parent.