Small wins for dad and kids
Christmas was one of the many firsts dad Aaron and children Olivia and Ed faced in those first months without their wife and mum. Debbie Jamieson reports.
Aaron Callaghan is surviving on small successes, such as his first attempt at plaiting his 5-year-old daughter’s hair. ‘‘Olivia thought I did quite a good job, so that’s a win. But then the next day she came in and said she wanted two,’’ he said.
He is notching that up as a second win – ‘‘she was happy enough’’ – but is hoping french plaits are not requested soon.
Aaron, Olivia and Ed, 2, have been navigating tough times since the death of their wife and mother Kate, to cancer in June.
The adage that time is a great healer isn’t working yet. ‘‘I’ve found that at the moment things are getting harder,’’ Aaron said.
‘‘I have more opportunity for reflection, more time to think about all those milestones Kate’s not going to be here for. More time to realise what the kids are missing out on. Myself as well.
‘‘You just never expect to be in this situation. I had two amazing children, a partner that I couldn’t have been happier with ... and now I’m here by myself, almost 50.
‘‘I’ve still got two amazing children but I’ve got quite a journey to go.’’
It was just over a year from Kate first noticing a lump in her breast and being told she was ‘‘too healthy’’ for cancer.
After that was a fight to keep her alive via a trip to Mexico for
treatment, then her death on June 25, in Wa¯naka.
Kate and Aaron were in Mexico at Christmas last year and, despite their pride in being minimalistic people, they flooded the children with presents.
This year Aaron had planned to drive five hours to Christchurch with the children to join his mother and sister on Christmas Day but changed his mind after a recent visit to a friend’s farm at Raes Junction.
‘‘That trip was just under two hours in the car and that was about the threshold for it being a pleasant experience.’’
The weekend on the farm was the first trip away from home since the family had lost Kate.
The children had an ‘‘awesome’’ time among the lambs, calves, puppies, motorbikes and tractors and it has encouraged Aaron to make more trips out, including to the Lake
Ha¯wea lakefront as the weather improves.
‘‘It’s something I want to do and enjoy but it’s really tough. Everyone’s having fun around you and you sit there and think this is pretty awesome but it’s not the same. What could make it better? Kate being here.’’
His policy is to keep things simple and to keep talking about Kate, as difficult as it is sometimes.
While being dropped at day care recently, Ed said he wished Mummy could come in and play with him.
‘‘It just really breaks you,’’ Aaron said. ‘‘But before I could say anything, Olivia leaned across and put her hand on him and said, ‘Mummy’s always there in your heart and your head. She’s looking over you.’’’
Aaron has been learning lots of lessons, including about asking for help. Recently, he asked the neighbour who often drops in meals for the family, for lunch box ideas.
‘‘It was a really big deal for me to say, ‘What you’re doing is amazing, could you now please do this because I am struggling?’
‘‘Why was that so tough? What is it in our conditioning?’’
The sphere of men’s health and wellness interests him, having spent time as a heavy drinker before a period of self-discovery and a focus on wellbeing in his mid-30s.
It was a space he shared with Kate, who had degrees in communications and dietetics, and worked as a holistic nutritionist.
‘‘I would like to think we were both constantly on this path of trying to get better as individuals, as a couple and then as parents.
‘‘It’s not about being perfect but having an openness to try to get better. With that comes an aspect of vulnerability.’’
It meant that he already had routines and practices in place, such as a journal and gratitude diary, that have helped him order his thoughts since Kate became sick.
One of his goals for the new year is to develop and share some of the lessons he has learnt with other men, as well as continue his role a coach development officer for the Otago Rugby Union.
‘‘That’s quite nice synergy but I’m not going to plan what 2021 will look like because things could change very quickly.’’
Also, he and the kids are still in survival mode. They have first birthdays and anniversaries to face without Kate, and an awareness there’s a long road ahead.
‘‘We’re still looking for small wins. Get up. Get dressed. Get to day care and school. If there hasn’t been any fights and you get there on time, that’s a win.’’