Unimpressive feats and even worse feet

I am a middle aged man. I’m 47.

Nothing good comes from being in the middle.

Middle child, middle ear infection, middle finger.

Take the middle child.

They never got the stage to themselves but they did enjoy the relative warm, sunny glow of being the new kid in town only to be pushed back into the middle of the pack when junior turned up - uninvited.

Are there any privileges to being middle child? No there are not.

Are there any privileges to being middle aged? Again not really.

Being a teenager wasn’t all fairy floss and toffee apples either – I was definitely accumulated wisdom.

Trouble is even now I’m not sure I have accumulated a great deal, and I’m sad to report that I still fall on my chin on a fairly regular basis.

It goes with my theory that everyone knows something I don’t but I’ll expand on that one later.

So we’ll work in reverse – what haven’t I achieved.

Well I don’t have a movie past – I’m not a decorated ex-special lacking forces commando forced to walk the earth settling scores.

I’ve yet to demonstrate any physical prowess.

The fact that I came third in the swimming width races when I was 13 stopped sounding special, ahh let’s see about 34 years ago and even then it wasn’t really impressing anyone.

When I get out of bed now I have to let my knees adjust to my weight slowly.

I have yet to capitalise on my early promise as a musician.

I learnt the cello for a week but I didn’t move much beyond learning how to hold the bow before promptly deciding that hauling the whole kit back and forth from school was too much for my slen- der arms.

I haven’t learned a language. I did pass school cert French and I certainly gave that a decent airing when I got to France.

Did you know the French aren’t very polite or encouraging when you butcher their language.

So what’s left – well I haven’t climbed Everest, run a marathon or swum the Cook Strait.

Technically all of them are still possible though although it’s unlikely I’ll bag all three.

I could add them to the new year’s resolution list except I stopped making those a few years ago.

I did make an exception this year and that was to be kind to my feet. It was overdue.

My sister is a nurse and more than happy to tend to my parent’s bunions and the like but she draws the line at my feet.

Anyway I digress.

Quite what I have achieved in 47 years I’m not really sure, some of its memorable but not always for the right reasons.

So in clumsy metaphor terms if I was a flight I have finished my ascent and I am now at cruising altitude.

While I’m a wee way off coming into land, the clouds are thinning enough to see through and soon enough I’ll start the descent.

If you’ve read this far stick around I’ll start talking you through it.