Learning not to fry off the handle

I wouldn’t say I’m an angry person but I’m probably not the best person to ask either.

I’m a little man though, and therefore so the theory goes, I’m quick to rise to the smallest of provocations.

I have a theory though – it’s called emotional acoustics.

We already covered the fact that being fond of a beer or two and less fond of exercise I’ve gained a bit of weight lately.

We won’t overstate the case here it was a cheeky few kilos, a dozen or so in rough numbers and mostly parked up round my waist although in truth I probably did go up a cup size.

Not exactly obese but definitely not slender.

But the one key advantage of this was the strangely softening affect on my mood swings.

That’s not to say the lid didn’t come off occasionally to let out a burst of poorly articulated steam but by and large for a time I was the eye of the storm.

My theory thus goes something like this. The extra fat absorbed the negativity.

A bit like baffles in a studio, my emotions weren’t allowed to amplify by bouncing around my cushy midriff.

This of course could hold hands with the ``all fat people are jolly’’ and ``all thin people are miserable’’ lines of thought.

It’s a difficult hypothesis to test and early research has not advanced the theory much.

For instance it doesn’t explain my wife’s reaction to my buying her a frying pan for her birthday.

I wouldn’t call my wife fat (at least not within earshot) or wafer thin but she could barely contain her displeasure at this surprise move.

In layman’s terms she did her scone and for a short time I thought it may turn into a flying pan and come into land on my head.

In line with my other theory `everyone knows something I don’t’ most blokes reading this are probably shaking their heads right now at such an amateurish mistake.

Lesson learnt, my wife will need to get to the point she needs to be forklifted out of the house before she’ll contain her feelings about frying pans on her birthday.

The dog never gets angry and he’s thin as a rake.

I suspect the answer for him is the fact that he’s got a brain the size of a walnut.

I fired off my theory to New Scientist and they politely thanked me for my efforts but stated that it wasn’t something they’d classify as groundbreaking.

They did however put in red writing at the bottom that I should take special caution in my next experiment in finding how much it does take to find the dog’s breaking point.