Sideswipe
Cable ties, the new No 8 wire?
Rachel Wise writes: “A resident of Waipawa in Hawke’s Bay was concerned after seeing a telephone pole snapped at the base in recent high winds. Only the phone lines were holding it up . . . So she contacted the telecommunications infrastructure provider and was told someone would have a look. “End result, all fixed. Two plastic cable ties, see you later. Hope the 50-year-old fence post holds up.”
Ex has a way with words
A reader writes: “Our daughter’s ex-hubby [he’s sorely missed] deserves an honours degree in malapropisms. One night the family was watching news on TV and he walks in just as a plane was going off the end of the aircraft carrier; ‘what happened, is the pilot OK, did he ejaculate?’ Without missing a beat daughter said: ‘If he did they didn’t show it on tele’.”
Neighbourly chat cuts to the chaise
Colleen writes: “A while back I met a lady in our neighbourhood from Hamburg and decided to be friendly and invite her over for coffee. She arrived in an upset state complaining her husband just treats her ‘like the table and chairs’. After some discussion I realised that she meant ‘like a piece of the furniture’. I assured her that is a common trait of husbands that occurs over time. Later, when she was leaving, she said: ‘Thank you for your hostilities’.”
Ear muffins do the trick
Tanya Broomhead writes: “My son Ethan would love to help me with jobs on our lifestyle block and would sit with me on our ride-on mower wearing ear muffs. But he didn’t call them ear muffs — he was adamant that they were called ear ‘muffins’ and constantly corrected me. I suppose they are shaped like muffins.”
Cafe minds the age gap in customer’s love overture
“I’m [as] tired of hearing the word ‘creep’ as any black person or gay person is of hearing certain words,” wrote Lucas Werner, 37, on his Facebook page after he was banned from a Starbucks in Spokane, Washington, for writing a polite dating request to a 16-yearold barista. Managers thought Werner was harassing the female, but Werner says he is being discriminated against for his age and made a “science” claim that “age gap love” makes healthier babies. (News of the Weird)