Genius waited beyond the ballads and mullet
Lashings of extra cheese with your Valentine’s Day chocolates
From time to time we all feel stressed, lonely, sad, angry, tired, bored, sore, cold, itchy, depressed and smelly. You probably work with a bunch of a-holes. Every workplace has at least one annoying person who makes life difficult. Admittedly, for my colleagues, that person is me. But how do you get through these obstacles? It’s a cliche but positivity is the key. Look to the people who will make you happy. That’s why, more than ever, you need Michael Bolton in your life. Specifically his Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special on Netflix. If Bolton doesn’t cheer you up, there’s no hope left.
Many of you will remember Michael Bolton as the mulleted power ballad singing superstar of the late 80s and early 90s. He enjoyed massive hits like How Am I Supposed To Live Without You and Said I Loved You But I Lied. But there is more to this man than cheeseball anthems. Michael Bolton is a deadpan comic genius.
A few years back Bolton teamed up with Saturday Night Live and Lonely Island for the massive internet hit Jack Sparrow. Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special is a continuation of this partnership and it’s great.
The plot is simple. It’s Valentine’s Day and a short-haired Michael Bolton is given a task by Santa Claus, to make a musical special so sexy and romantic that the audience collectively conceive 75,000 children.
It’s a big ask but Bolton gets stuck in, wearing fancy velvet suits and using his sexy powers to get the audience reproducing. Banks of celebrities man phones taking pledges from couples who are trying to or have successfully gotten pregnant watching at home. It’s a parody telethon with songs and sketches. Most of all, it’s quality adult rated entertainment and it will be bring you joy.
I should know . . . 2.30am one week ago, I couldn’t sleep. I needed help. Suddenly Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special popped up in my Netflix “trendings”. I was sceptical. Everything about it screamed “don’t press play”, but I took the plunge and within minutes I was laughing so hard my neighbours complained. I was instantly happy again, my problems had disappeared. Thank you, Michael Bolton.
Clearly February 14th was last week but Michael Bolton’s special is worth watching any day of the year. It’s so dirty, weird and funny. Packed with big names like Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garofalo, Brooke Shields, Michael Sheen, Maya Rudolph, Bob Saget and Kenny G. But Bolton is the star. The 63-year-old lands every gag, resplendent in his elaborately decorated “love nest”.
I had no idea Bolton was a comic genius. No one knew. We all thought he sucked. Turns out he was probably always awesome. We just missed it. What a set of lungs. His voice is so strong. The musical numbers are enjoyable in their own right. Which is a strange thing to say about a musical special. They should be.
Back in the day NZ TV ended every night with a depressing community service advert featuring an animated snowball rolling off the roof of a house and down a hill. “The thing with small problems is left alone they can build into larger ones, they can even build to the point they are completely overwhelming.” it declared.
I can’t promise you Michael Bolton will make your problems melt away but his Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special will definitely help in the short term. Your life is guaranteed to be better for at least 54 minutes. That’s a start.
Michael Bolton might just be your saviour. He was mine one lonely night last week.
I took the plunge and within minutes I was laughing so hard my neighbours complained. I was instantly happy again, my problems had disappeared. Thank you, Michael Bolton.