Sideswipe
Tinder — A for effort
George writes: “If I was a giraffe I would slap my neck against 1000 other giraffes to gain dominance over the herd and make you my giraffe queen.” Xavier writes: “I want to cover you in green paint and spank you like a disobedient avocado.” Jon goes with an analogy: “Are you my appendix? Because I don’t understand how you work, but this feeling in my stomach wants to take you out.” His match responded: “Are you the sun? Coz you should stay 20 million miles away from me.” Rob tied his opener with the season: “Hey Kristen. I’m looking for someone to be the ghost in my Halloween costume, so I was wondering how you are under the sheets.”
Thank you takes the biscuit
“I am trying to find the name and address of a small boy that I found sitting on my lawn with his face covered with blood on February 14th,” writes Cathy of Ascot Ave. “I took him into my house — he had pulled his shirt out of his pants and wiped his face on it! — cleaned him up and offered to take him home. He said his mother was coming to get him. The following day I found, hanging on my front door, a bag with a pack of beautiful biscuits and the little note [above].”
Taking a shine to bowls etiquette
“I took my 4-year-old son to watch his Poppa play in a bowls tournament on the weekend,” writes a reader. “He watched them drying the bowls between ends and asked ‘do they always clean their balls?’ which got a few chuckles. He then innocently asked: ‘Do they clean each other’s balls?’ which brought the house down.”
Flubs and word play
1. My late Uncle George always used a Presbyterian when crossing the road and he used his exhilarator pedal when driving his car.
2. After having our three daughters, my wife developed varicose veins which I always said were “very close veins” as that is what it sounded like, as in very close to the surface on her legs.
3. French wife who, if she cannot be bothered to do something, says she can’t be asked to do it.
4. I’m not sure how much my wife appreciates me. She calls me a ‘pagan’ of virtue!
5. My daughter shouted out excitedly one day, “look, a Harriet!” when a harrier jump jet flew over us. She was indignant when we all fell about laughing, pointing out that ships had female names, so why not planes!
6. Seen on a Facebook post when discussing something annoying: “. . . that really sits in my claw. . .”