The Monday Column

Looking back, not eating my mum’s lunches is my life’s greatest shame.

to buy a mince pie, sauce and Zap every day because his parents didn’t love him. He craved the wholesome home-made lunches my mum made. Someone who cared. I craved the opposite. I wanted a cold, heartless, hot lunch from the dairy. Every now and then I’d swap my lunch for Andy’s. But mostly I’d just hiff mine down the bank.

Looking back, not eating my mum’s lunches is my life’s greatest shame. She spent so much of her time making them for me and I just threw them away. Repaid her love by heaving them over the hedge and down the bank into Donaldson’s Nursery, halfway up Tanner Rd, Glenleith, Dunedin. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am, but it would only hurt her feelings. Also she died.

Mum was a great mum. Possibly the greatest ever. But her lunches were weird. Peanut butter sandwiches with lettuce. Cold pumpkin pizza. Raw mushrooms in Gladwrap. Uphill eating.

So my first secret to great school lunches is eatability. Feel free to make your lunches healthy if you want. That’s not important. But they absolutely must be palatable or they’ll end up down a bank.

My mum would pack me a whole giant carrot to eat at playtime. As a 5-year-old I’d sit alone day after day working my way through these massive orange root vegetables. It was stressful. I was missing out on all the Maori Hill Primary good times. One day I gave up and threw my giant carrot on the staffroom roof. I would never eat a homemade lunch again.

Don’t let this happen to you. Make your lunches quick to eat so your kids can play with their mates. That’s what’s school is for. It’s not a carroteating competition. Time-consuming lunches end up down banks.

Mornings are a punishingly busy time. So make your lunches the night before. Don’t rush the prep. Enjoy it. Get in the zone. Have some beers. Put on some tunes. Invite some mates over. Here’s a tip. Use frozen bread. It will keep things fresh overnight and thaw just at the right time.

Everyone agrees that making amazing school lunches is a manly thing to do. That’s why so many Kiwi males are stepping up to the breadboard. But you’ve got to get it right. You’ll need the coolest snaplock lunchboxes you can get, some delicious, easily consumed ingredients, time to enjoy the process and, most importantly you’ll need to check your local grass banks. If the bastards are dumping your creations