The Monday Column

Grant Robertson would win because he got lost behind our house followed by Bill English because he made a pizza.

At this point, Barry punched Charlie in the side of the head and I was forced to terminate the remainder of the experiment.

So there you have it. In this groundbreaking research, all our politicians get high ratings. No one scored less than 7. But what does this mean for September 23?

Well if my two boys were the sole voters Grant Robertson would win because he got lost behind our house followed by Bill English because he made a pizza. Andrew Little would be rolled for losing his glasses. Someone would be hired to make the PM’s dinner. Winston would do well because he’s smiley.

Jacinda would already have been Prime Minister at some point and Paula Bennett would be elected mum’s cousin.

David Seymour and Metiria Turei would be stricken from the ballot prevote after a fight.

Seems plausible. Maybe we should just cancel the election and go with that. Best democracy ever.