Young mums carry ache of adoptions
Shame forced thousands of Kiwi women into leaving their newborns in Australia
In the 1960s and 70s unwed pregnant Kiwis would travel to Australia to escape the shame of having a baby at home. There they were coerced into adopting out their babies, seemingly with no other choice.
An exhibition called Without Consent that details the harrowing stories of those damaged by forced adoption practices is opening in Sydney tomorrow.
Desley Flack didn’t look into her son’s eyes until he was 22.
He was whisked away immediately after birth for fear the woman who carried him might bond with her son. The 20-year-old mum got one glimpse of him after signing the adoption papers — but she had to wait until he was sleeping to visit.
Now 68, Flack is sharing her story for the first time. She hopes to reach other Kiwis who travelled to Australia and had babies wrenched from their arms in the 1960s and 1970s, when it felt like there was no other option.
She wanted them to know about the Without Consent exhibition, a stepping stone to healing.
Flack was 19 when she had a fling in Auckland. It didn’t last long but, a few weeks later, she knew she was pregnant. She couldn’t bear the shame of her condition and marriage wasn’t an option, so she booked a passage to Australia.
She gave birth to a healthy baby boy; a secret she kept for more than 30 years.
Flack explained the “baby scoop era” as the sweet spot between the sexual revolution starting and contraception becoming freely available to unmarried women. If you were pregnant and didn’t get married or have parental support, adoption was the only way.
She believed thousands of women had done what she did, going to Australia to “escape their shame”.
Former Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard formally apologised in 2013 to the victims of forced adoptions.
Maggie Wilkinson, who had her daughter forcefully adopted out in New Zealand, has started a petition for a government inquiry.
Justice Minister Amy Adams was reported in March saying she had no plans for an inquiry. She believed other issues that affect more New Zealanders would take priority. Flack called that time a social experiment that shouldn’t have happened. She’s never gotten over it. The treatment the young mums received at the time was inhumane, she said. They weren’t allowed to make eye contact with their babies in case they bonded with them, they signed official documents when many of them were so young they needed parental permission and they were given no rights to get in touch with the adoptive family.
Flack said they were “brainwashed into believing they had no worth and that their babies did not belong to them”.
“We were told to get on with our lives. To just pretend it didn’t happen. Have other children that will take their place.
“We had other children but nothing took their place. We did get on with our lives, but we never forgot.”
After the adoption, Flack didn’t have a relationship for 14 years. She believed she was too heartbroken. She met husband Tim when she was 34. They had two children.
Her son was 21 when Flack
HWatch the video interview at nzherald.co.nz reached out to him for the first time. Her case worker gave him a letter from her but he wasn’t ready to make contact. Two years later, he changed his mind. After a phone call Flack flew to Sydney to meet him.
“It was very, very exciting, and very, very disappointing.”
Flack quickly realised that her son had deep abandonment issues. She still doesn’t think he has forgiven her.
They’ve maintained a fragile relationship.
Flack wanted other adoptive mums to know that they can get their case notes and documents back from the adoption process in Australia, including the birth certificate.
Without Consent is travelling around Australia until July 29, 2018.