The Monday Column

theories is, they don’t work. Also they are stupid. Your brain gets wise to your plans.

Edgar Allan Poe describes sleep as “those little slices of death”. Your brain doesn’t want to be dead. It wants to be alive all night so it can look out for wolves. When it comes to sleep your brain is your enemy.

That’s why my new antiinsomnia plan is a direct attack on the intellect. I propose you deal with not sleeping — by not sleeping. Staying awake. Putting all your efforts into keeping your eyes open.

Recently, the night before a Pixies concert, I tried my best to get some sleep but couldn’t. Yet at the show I was on the nod while doing my best to stay awake. This is your brain messing with you.

Try tricking it into thinking you want to be awake and it will probably shut you down. Just to be a dick. Better still, staying up to get some sleep cures your insomnia with logic.

If you are trying to stay awake you are not having trouble sleeping because you aren’t trying to.

Here’s how you do it. When it’s time for bed, don’t go. Instead yell “I’m staying up!” 20 times at your kids.

Then put on Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey or any show that involves thinking. As the info rolls over you, concentrate on staying awake. If you nod, slap yourself. Keep telling your eyes to stay open.

Eventually you’ll lose the battle and go to sleep. This is because your brain is an asshole who will never give you what you want. You must outsmart it.

Win-win. Either you succeed in staying awake which is your stated goal or you fail and get a good night’s sleep which is even better. But no cheating. Stay off caffeine, pseudoephedrine and methamphetamine if you can.

Recently I was out after rugby with a friend who normally suffers from insomnia. But not that night. He fell asleep face down on the bar. His sleeplessness was cured but he didn’t wake refreshed. He woke in the rain after being thrown out. Lost his keys, credit cards and phone.

Fighting sleeplessness with booze will only get you so far.