Toby Manhire Hi Winston, just a few thoughts . . .
Demon hacktivist lays bare the secrets of the kingmaker’s inbox as the suitors come a’courting — or not
For almost a fortnight since polling day, New Zealand has plunged deep into a binge of speculation about the shape of the next government. And those who have been keeping up the coverage will now know considerably less than they did before it began. Essentially, nothing of any consequence has happened. In the void, however, appears the demonic hacktivist and serial fantasist Lambshank, who has thieved the entire contents of Winston Peters’ Yahoo inbox, and scrawled them with a stick into the sands of Paihia, in the cause of transparency and misinformation.
From Bill English
Too early to get into any details yet obviously, but just a few areas we could look at going forward should things permutate our way. A new Ministry for Enough, just set up basically for people who have had enough, so they can come on in and talk about how they’ve had it up to bloody here and what-not. Bridges — concrete, not Simon — all over Northland. Roundabouts. Boot camps for participants in the Cinderella Rising that you seem exercised about. And we’ll chuck in that state-owned pest fur company you’re after, even call it New Zealand Furst if you like.
From Jacinda Ardern
Too early to get into any details yet obviously, because I completely agree with you that the special votes are really so important and we need to listen to those New Zealanders. So, yeah, I agree that foreigners shouldn’t be buying our property and, yeah, I agree that we need to take a breather on immigration and I agree on the retirement age and I agree on the serious questions that remain about the leaking of private details of New Zealand’s most admired superannuitants to the media and I agree on the issues around car boots and grandmothers’ insight into, you know, the issues, and, yeah, I agree on the democratic elixir of Glenfiddich and I just generally relentlessly agree on all the things and I agree that New Zealanders have had enough, and so let’s do something for them, and it might as well be this.
From Steven Joyce
Mate. Sir. We haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything, that’s true. But we are men of experience, distinction and, if I may say so, financial acuity: more balance-of-trade and GDP than balance-of-power and PDA. Am I wrong? No. Good. So listen, I’ve been looking at the numbers.
Various breathless commentators have claimed that you won 7 per cent of the vote and 100 per cent of the power. That’s transparently innumerate nonsense. According to my calculations, and I’m sure Bill would back me up on this, the power you hold is closer to 17 billion per cent, which is a lot of per cent, but that’s not what the other lot will tell you.
From Bill English
Funny thing about that call you didn’t take when you were up north. One of my children said to me, “Hey Dad, you inspiring leader of the nation yet ordinary and down-to- earth guy and fantastic caring father, doesn’t this remind you of the time Stephen Donald was whitebaiting and got the call to join the All Blacks and won the devotion of the country as he kicked us to victory in the World Cup final, at once redeeming his own reputation and that of coach Graham Henry, who had suffered his own ignominious defeat years before but got up again and claimed the ultimate victory?”
And I said, “Look, that’s a bit different, son” — or was it daughter, can’t remember the details. I said, “That’s a bit different, because on the one hand you’ve got your sporting contest there, and this is a politics situation here, but there might be something in what you’re saying.” Then we had a good old laugh, you know.
From Jacinda Ardern
What I’m trying to say is we’re New Zealand First adjacent.
From Shane Jones
The deliberative harpoon is but a pendulum of edification, e hoa, and today we swing upon that harpoon of truth, as naked as the day we were born. The berley descends, whereupon the harvest begins. Make no mistake, we shall need the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon, et cetera. If you will permit me to go for a spin on The Straight Talk Express and put this in plain language, the exactitude of approbation in the present matter resonates upon nga hau e wha, the four winds, which carry upon them the currents of posterity. But to the most pressing question confronting us today, e hoa: what should be on the table? Kai moana. Crayfish, oysters, smoked prawns, tarakihi, et cetera.
From Paula Bennett
Just a quick hiya, Winnsy, to say that deputy PM job is no biggie for me, don’t care a bit about the name plaques, embossed curtains or embroidered clothing, no biggie!
From James Shaw
Hello my name is James and I am the leader of the Green Party, which like New Zealand First is a party that has been re-elected to the New Zealand Parliament. We are also keen on trains and would welcome the opportunity to talk about trains.
From Gareth Morgan
You want a legacy, I’ll buy you a fleet of ****ing Subarus if you **** off you ****ing **** of a ****.
From Bill English
For the love of God just get it over with.
From Helen Clark
Pick up your phone. Now.