Toby Manhire Walking in a Winston Wonderland

Our MPs burst into Christmas carols and offer other chestnuts to toast by an open barbecue this season

Wfeat Jacinda Ardern, Winston Peters and the one from the Greens. We three things of Government are Tuneful as a three-stringed guitar Motivated, youth adjacent Following Cinda star O! Stardust wonder, stardust light Hundred day and hundred night Leftward leaning, still proceeding Guide us to thy perfect light Jacinda Ardern solo: Just a kid from Moh-orrinsville Keen to help out Andy Little It’s not hubris, to just do this Truth is that I quite like Bill James Shaw solo: Great Together, I believe in Speak the truth — that is how we win Metiria, great co-leader Popped in the recycling bin Winston Peters solo: Had enough? Too right they had Status quo was very bad Need a deadline? Watch it, Sunshine Covfefe, believe me, sad! O! Stardust wonder, stardust light Hundred day and hundred night Leftward leaning, still proceeding Guide us to thy perfect light (I’m waiting for it, I want it) Feat Bill English We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And would just note in passing that the National Party won more votes than anyone and yet is not in government which a lot of ordinary New Zealanders will find surprising as they approach their Happy New Year.

Good tidings we bring To you and your kin We wish you a merry Christmas And it’s important to point out that it has been a bit rich listening to the Labour Party’s self-congratulation, while ordinary Kiwis know it was the National Party’s prudence that provided such a Happy New Year Oh, bring us spaghetti pizza, Oh, bring us spaghetti pizza, Oh, bring us spaghetti pizza, On a cheesy crust base. As sung by Gareth Morgan Gareth the Red Mo’ed Reindeer Had a very small ego But all the lipsticked reindeers Were a bunch of thick bozos Gareth tried every approach Called them dumb and dim Still he wound up barbecued Roadkill venison As sung by Steven Joyce Dashing through the sand See some feeble joggers lame You could stop and give a hand Or keep laughing all the way Ho-ho-ho. Bill got up again Focus groups look bright What fun it is to start digging

In a graveyard late at night. O! Fiscal spells, fiscal spells Fiscal hole, okay? O what fun it is to ride When you’re running the campaign.

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture, or just let it slip? As sung by the Deputy Prime Minister Fake news shills, are you listening? Winston’s back! Mane is glistening A beautiful sight, kingmaker tonight Walking in a Winston wonderland Pin stripes fly, and they strangle All the mothers of scandal Double-breasted suit, a tardis car boot Walking in a Winston wonderland In the meadow we can build a strawman Then pretend that we are under siege They’ll say, “Are you allied?” We’ll say, “No man” And Seven Sharp will have to air my speech. Later on, down the Parrot Coalesce over claret To face unafraid, the plans that we’ve made Walking in a Winston wonderland

Ambitious time, and there’s no need to be afraid

Ambitious time, we let in light and cast some shade

And while we love spaghetti, we can crush up something new Get your cutlery prepared It’s business time. As sung by Peter Dunne So this is Christmas, and I’m Peter Dunne. As sung by David Seymour Once in Loyal David’s Constituency David knocked on every door Found a mother with a baby Ticked her off, cause she was poor. As sung by Andrew Little

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum

Just a new deputy, pa rum pum pum pum

Must replace Annette King, pa rum pum pum pum

Anyway you know what happened after that and it’s all fine now. As sung by Don Brash Marie te po, tapu te po Marino, marama Ko te Whaea, me te Tama Tama tino, tapu ra Moe mai i te aio Moe mai i te aio.

This is my last weekly Herald column, if you can call it a column. Many thanks for your company and forbearance, and Merry Christmas.