A weird day of pleasure and pain

Day one. Crazy, crazy times.

The first day-night pink ball test in New Zealand was always going to be historic. But what we got defied logic.

The Alternative Commentary Collective was calling an alternative cricket universe on Sky and iheartradio.

It was a beautiful thing — Lovely Trenty Trent Boult and The Sexy Camel Tim Southee ripping through the English. It was one of the best bowling spells in the history of the game. Arousing stuff. Both in a sexual and sporting sense.

My Dad was at Eden Park with his Dad for New Zealand’s infamous all out for 26 in 1955. I’ve been hearing about it my whole life. With England 23-8 in the 14th over, it looked like we might finally get our revenge. Sadly, we didn’t quite get there.

But it was still a dream. So much so, I had to ask co-commentator Jeremy Wells to pinch me. He refused.

Luckily Scotty Stevenson was keen. He pinched my inner thigh. James McOnie slapped me round the face. Mike Lane punched me in the arm, then pulled my boxers up from behind, forcing them into my backside. It really hurt. But I didn’t care. Because it turns out it was all real. Weirdness upon weirdness.

The ACC were broadcasting from the Beefy Botham Box, atop the Northern Stand at Eden Park. It’s a majestic broadcasting booth built just for the great Sir Ian Botham.

It’s an absolute privilege to be in here for five days (or more likely two). You can still smell the great man — a beautiful trouty wine-tinged musk with a bit of devilled sausage thrown in the mix.

I can only imagine how the legendary English allrounder would have reacted to his team’s performance yesterday. The Beefy Botham Box may not have survived.

So England all out for 58. It was hard to believe. Lovely Trenty with career-best figures of 6-32 and the Sexy Camel on fire with 4-25. What a time to be alive.

Get your arse to Eden Park, if you can. If you can’t, tune in on iheartradio or press the yellow button on your Sky remote for full ACC coverage.