Widowed dad: I do my best
Man says being hands-on father helped him cope with his wife’s death from cancer
Bsocial issues eing a “hands-on” dad from the beginning helped prepare John Espin for solo parenting when he lost his wife to breast cancer last year.
The Te Puke man said children are a gift and a privilege, he encourages any father to get involved in the day-to-day running of the household, because you never know when you might have to step into the primary care role.
Espin spoke to the Herald as part of a look into paid parental leave and whether fathers are taking it.
The 43-year-old was working at a Christian radio station when his wife, Esther, fell pregnant with their first child. After Hannah was born in 2009 Espin took a month off.
When Espin went back to work he kept an active role in the running of the house doing cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids.
“I’ve been brought up that if someone is working and you’re sitting down doing nothing you’d better get up and help them.
“So that was important to me. I just have this overwhelming sense of guilt, I’ve got to get up and help.”
Espin took another month off when his son Sam was born in 2013. Both times he was paid but he can’t remember if it was by the Government or his supportive employer.
But in 2015 Esther was diagnosed with breast cancer and he left work to be a full-time carer for the family. He was off work for more than two years until Esther died last July.
“I just started taking care of everything. It was a gradual process of her getting sicker and me taking more things on, plus we had amazing help from family and friends.”
Even with his hands-on dad experience it is hard being a sole parent. Espin struggles to keep the house tidy, the “washing mountain” never disappears from the lounge and the garden is always having a “bad hair day”.
But it’s the emotional support of having another parent back you up that Espin misses most.
“When Esther passed away I had to be prepared to do everything myself. I can’t depend on people to come and rescue me to do daily tasks. I have to be responsible.”
People offer to help but Espin draws on them only when he really needs a favour for fear of wearing out his welcome.
Fortunately his workplace, a tim- John Espin, solo dad ber mould processing factory, has been understanding and he has returned to work two days a week.
While Espin respects and encourages men who are primary caregivers he doesn’t believe they are as good as women.
“Women have been given a very special gift of being the heart of a home. In general, a woman’s natural propensity for nourishment and caring is just fantastic. “I do the best I can.” The Government believes raising paid parental leave this year may encourage more fathers to take it.
New figures show the number of men taking paid parental leave has hardly changed in a decade.
In 2008, 220 dads took paid parental leave. Last year 324 did — a fractional increase compared with population growth.
Minister Iain Lees-Galloway said dads can already take paid parental leave. “It’s not a fault in the legislation that’s stopping men from taking leave . . . [it’s] a broader issue around perceptions of male and female roles than what legislation can fix. “The gender pay gap is an issue.” Parents will have 22 weeks of paid leave starting this July and 26 weeks’ leave by July 2020. The current entitlement is 18 weeks.
Minister for Women Julie Anne Genter, who is pregnant, said mothers being the main caregivers should not be the default position.
“I am concerned that about a third of babies (20,000) don’t get any Paid Parental Leave or Family Tax Credit when a baby is born.”
She cited the Best Start payments of $60 a week to all families as a way to provide universal support.
Genter’s husband will be the primary caregiver for their child.
Canada has introduced five weeks of paid leave for dads, or the non-primary caregiver. Mothers can get 15 weeks of maternity leave then 35 weeks of parental leave to share.
Kiwi company Salesforce offers 12 weeks of paid paternity leave for dads or the non-primary caregiver. It also offers primary caregivers 26 weeks’ paid leave and, for adoptions, up to $10,000 per child for expenses.