Joyce wraps it up with laughs, tears
MP farewells Parliament with emotional speech
Spolitics enior National MP Steven Joyce has farewelled Parliament with an emotional speech that included jokes about office furniture, sex toys, and a nod to Eminem-esque music.
But he was moved to tears as spoke about the time he would now be able to spend with his two children, Thomas and Amelia.
“Tommy doesn’t say anything. Literally. He is what they call non- verbally autistic. He’s 8 years old. He doesn’t have any vocabulary at all.
“But I know he likes having dad around. He tells me with his heart and with his eyes. And now he’s going to have dad around some more.”
Joyce was brought on as the 2005 campaign chair for the National Party, when Don Brash was leader. It was a “rollercoaster”. He recalled Tauranga candidate Bob Clarkson adjusting himself midinterview, and Brash’s response: “Eh . . . I don’t think any of my candidates should be adjusting their testicles on national television.”
When he became an MP in 2008, he went straight to the fifth floor of the Beehive as a minister, where he was overwhelmed with the size of his office and all the furniture.
“I thought, ‘This is ridiculous. There is absolutely no way one minister needs all this stuff.’ And then I had my first officials’ meeting.”
He soon realised officials immediately held another meeting to try to decipher what the minister had said — a meeting he could take part in before he became more recognisable.
Joyce earned a reputation as National’s “Minister for Everything”, holding a range of senior portfolios including Transport, Economic Development, Tertiary Education, Skills and Employment, and Finance.
He said his proudest ministerial achievements included building the ultra-fast broadband network, completing the Waterview connection for $1.4 billion — $1b less than originally predicted — and setting up a regulatory system for New Zealand rockets to be sent into space. He also dealt with the Novopay debacle, calling it a lesson for Governments on how not to set up ICT systems.
He recalled being at Waitangi in 2016 when he was hit in the face by a dildo, thrown by a protester Josie Butler. “I was chatting away happily, and then I felt something hit my face.”
Everyone looked down to see the sex toy. “I thought to myself, ‘Well, what do you say in these situations?’ So I said, ‘Good-o.’ And then I . . . said, ‘Well, let’s head off then’.”
He said he then asked National MP Nathan Guy if he thought the cameras picked that up, and the reply was: “Yeah, I think so. Keep walking.”
Joyce paid tribute to former PMs Sir John Key and Bill English, both of whom came to hear the speech, saying Key had a “very powerful intellect” and was a great decision-maker, while English was the “quintessential compassionate conservative”.
He alluded briefly to the copyright battle with US rapper Eminem, saying the campaigns he chaired included “a few soundtracks”.
Joyce announced his resignation last month after his failed bid to take over the party leadership. He thanked people who have thanked him for his public service in the past few weeks. “It’s been very humbling. You are the reason I’ve been here, and the reason it’s actually quite hard to leave.”
He said his daughter Amelia once told teachers at her school that her father worked at the Beehive.
“She said, ‘He does drawings, he drinks water, and he goes to the toilet,’ which seems like a reasonable summary to me. But not any more sweetheart, not any more.”