Solo’s gotta be worst good movie ever
Warning:
This column contains spoilers for Solo: A Star Wars Story
During my travels this week many people have asked me if Solo is any good. Yeah, I always say, it’s good. And then a slightly disappointed silence descends over the conversation.
This is because no one wanted a good Solo movie. They wanted a great one. And while I would’ve taken a great one, sure, that’s not what I was personally hoping for.
No, what I was hoping for was that
Solo would be almost entirely unlike any of the previous Star Wars films. That its tone would be influenced by the character’s roguish charm and outlaw sensibilities. That, for this movie at least, the ubiquitous franchise would drop the serious, familial drama of its space operatics and just go crazy and wild. Cut loose. Get weird. Have some damn fun for once.
Nope!
I don’t want to mislead you. There’s fun to be had in Solo. But there’s also bloody dismemberments, slavery and suicide. You know . . . for kids! There’s lip service given that these
Star Wars spin-off films are for older franchise lovers, and yeah, it carries an M rating on account of all the dismemberments, slavery and suicide to back that assertion up. But if you think Disney doesn’t want kids to see this thing then you’re thicker than a Hutt at an all you can eat buffet. How else to explain those groaning shelves at toy shops?
To be fair this isn’t unique to Solo
though. It’s a problem that plagues the entirety of the Star Wars franchise. The kids they were originally for are now all grown up and wanting to feel that nostalgic kid magic without all the dumb kiddie stuff.
George Lucas struggled to find the sweet spot with his prequels, but under Disney’s stewardship they’ve navigated this impossibility as well as can reasonably be expected. Even if the strain between selling factories of toys and convincing adults that this is a movie made for them felt more obvious and apparent this time round.
So, what did it do that’s so wrong? Nothing, obvious or huge. It’s more a case of death by a thousand nit-picks. It’s too long, too serious, there’s too many action scenes, all the last minute double crossin’ manages to somehow be both stupidly obvious and blindingly confusing and the introduction of Lando’s droid partner L3 gives us the most annoying Star
Wars character since Jar Jar Binks. That last one is particularly grating because it could have been so easily remedied. Keep everything the same with the character, just instead of being a CGI droid with shakin’ hips, a sassy attitude and the programming and voice hardware that allows her to shout for some reason, instead have its voice actress Phoebe Waller-
. . . every movie is just a big bloody ad for the next one.
Bridge star in the film as a broken human who has been pieced back together with robot parts. You know, just like Darth Vader.
Only here, without the Empire’s resources behind her reconstruction, it’s a hatchet job. The mental toll of consisting mainly of robo-limbs sends her a little nutso and leads her to believe that all the droids in the Star Wars universe need to be liberated from the shackles of their programmed servitude.
You wouldn’t even need to change much of the dialogue. Just the lame gags about Lando’s robo-lovin. This one small change would give the character depth, purpose and pathos while also giving Donald Glover’s Lando a real character to love. It would also eliminate the need to convince us that he’s madly in lust with what is effectively a very good GPS unit.
While it’s great they resisted the urge to shoehorn in needless fan service every two seconds, it’s telling that the most interesting stuff was teased for the potential — though unconfirmed — sequel. But again, this isn’t Solo specific. In this age of “cinematic universes” and endless franchises every movie is just a big bloody ad for the next one.
For my money the kid playing Han did a good job in what has to be the most thankless role ever. Even if it does illustrate just how charismatic young Harrison Ford really was.
As for the rest, Glover is good. Woody Harrelson is good. Thandie Newton is good. Whassherface from
Game of Thrones is good. Chewie is good.
It’s all good. And that’s its problem. This was the film for Star Wars to go completely rogue. It didn’t. Yes, it might have been bad. But at least it wouldn’t have been so boringly, satisfyingly good. Ugh.