If you insist on coming to London, here are my tips for a fun affordable trip:
Kew Gardens:
The fantastic assortment of flora will keep you busy all day and there are also greenhouses, aquariums and exhibitions. For extra cheapness skip the entrance fee and sneak in through a gap in the wall next to the river. Don’t feel bad, they’ve basically imprisoned some trees and made them work for free.
Heron Tower:
This tower in East London has an exhilarating external glass lift that takes you up to a view that rivals the London Eye. And it has an excellent restaurant and cocktail bar. For the same price as going around the London Eye sober in a little pod breathing in tourists’ farts, you can get loaded on cocktails and stay as long as you want. For extra cheapness, a scone and tea in the afternoon is £6.95.
Top Secret Comedy Club:
One of the best comedy rooms in the world with an incredible atmosphere
and diverse lineups. Big names pop in to try out new material. Prices are low for tickets and drinks and you can bring your own food. For extra cheapness book for a work-in-progress show or visit on a weekday when tickets are as low as £1.
Food:
Central London still has a smattering of cheap yet excellent eateries. My favourites are the tiny Korean cafe Wellbeing Kitchen and Ben’s Traditional Fish And Chips, both in Covent Garden and both capable of stuffing you for under £10. If you’d like a traditional Full English breakfast, there’s the Regency cafe in Westminster — if the queues are too long, across the road is the cheap and cheerful Astral, known only to cabbies. For extra cheapness get sandwich meal deals from the Tesco supermarket — to find one, just shut your eyes and reach out your hand and you’ll touch one.