How family tackled child anxiety
For Luke*, it all began when a teacher yelled at him in front of the class at his Auckland primary school.
Humiliated and tearful, the 9-yearold was picked up by his mother in the sick bay. A few weeks later, it happened again, and this time he refused to go back to classes.
“Until it started he was a happygo-lucky, normal, exuberant kid,” his mother said. “He loved school.”
Luke’s anxiety also followed a series of deaths of relatives and friends. One family friend who died had two young children.
“Deep down he had this sense of ‘Something could happen to my mum’. So separation anxiety was probably at the root of it.”
His family tried to force him to go back to school for months. They eventually changed school, and his anxiety disorder subsided. A couple of years later he became demanding and attention-seeking. And after getting a bad tummy bug, he lapsed back into refusing school. At his worst point, he was bed-ridden and had suicidal tendencies.
The family sought professional help. Because his anxiety was severe, he qualified for help in the public system, but the family found it slowmoving and confusing.
Through a private psychologist, Elaine West, he was enrolled in a programme called Cool Kids, which entailed fortnightly group therapy with other parents and children.
“It was lifesaving for us,” his mother said. “The kids see that they are not alone. And parents also see that they are not alone. It’s so much more powerful than seeing a psychologist one-on-one.”
They learned that avoiding the causes of his anxiety made it worse. He had to face his fears, his mother said. “We got him out of the house, that was the first step. The next step was going down to the park.
“And then another thing. Now we use those tools every day.”
Luke’s anxiety was hard on the whole family. His older brother became resentful of the attention he was getting. His parents had to work part-time to care for him. Their relationships suffered.
Social services were also strained. West said school refusal was becoming more common and Northern Health School, which takes students with health issues, was nearly at capacity because of the rise of child anxiety disorders.
Now aged 14, Luke is “in a really good space”. He has occasional lapses, and sometimes struggles to go back to school after holidays. He recently flew to Australia, which his mother said was an enormous milestone for a boy who had a chronic fear of flying.
“It’s always going to be up and down but we’ve got the tools to manage it now,” she said.
*Names have been changed