Inside the inner workings of the World Cup brains trust

Steve Braunias listens in to secretly recorded conversations between Steve Hansen and his assistant coach, Ian Foster.

Monday

Steve Hansen: Fozzy.

Ian Foster: Yes, Shag?

SH: Mate there’s something on my mind.

IF: There always is, mate. That’s you. Always thinking. Deep thinker. And there’s a lot at stake right now.

SH: A great deal at stake, you’re right, mate.

IF: Quarter-final vs Ireland. Do or die. This is it.

SH: Oh — yes. Yes. Of course. I mean, right. Rugby World Cup. All that. Yep. IF: Nothing else matters.

SH: Nothing?

IF: Nothing. Win, or lose. Go hard, or go home.

SH: Well that’s just it you see. Some of us don’t have a home.

IF: Who doesn’t have a home?

SH: My house has been listed for sale this week and I’m just worried the boys might have seen it.

IF: No one’s mentioned it.

SH: It’s all over the papers, it’s online, it’s everywhere. Photos, everything. Video, even. You can see everything. IF: Is that a Goldie?

SH: What?

IF: In the photos. There was one of the lounge, and what looked like a painting by Goldie.

SH: I thought you said you hadn’t seen it.

IF: A couple of the boys might have mentioned it.

SH: A couple? IF: The entire squad. We know it off by heart. “The white walls and neutral flooring give it a modern decor.” SH: Stop.

IF: “Enter down a grand sweeping driveway before being led to the stunning entrance with graceful water features.”

SH: This isn’t funny, Fozzy.

Tuesday

Steve Hansen: Fozzy.

Ian Foster: Yes, Shag?

SH: Mate, there’s something on my mind.

IF: The house?

SH: Will you stop talking about the house? No. Schmidt.

IF: What did you say?

SH: Schmidt. Ireland manager Joe Schmidt.

IF: Okay. It sounded like you said something else.

SH: No, just Schmidt. And I’ll tell you something. Do you know what he’s thinking about right now? He’s thinking about us. He’s thinking very hard about us, because that’s what he does. He studies. He analyses. I mean we all do but he takes it another level. And I’ll tell you something else.

IF: Tell me.

SH: It’s not footy, Fozzy. It’s Freud. It’s voodoo. It’s creepy. It’s like he gets inside your head and snoops around and wanders through it like it’s an open home.

IF: Again with the house.

SH: Will you stop talking about the house? Let’s talk about Schmidt. I mean what makes Schmidt tick? He’s a Kiwi, and he’s taking on the All Blacks. What’s that about? What’s his problem?

IF: So is that a Goldie?

SH: Yes. There’s only one thing worse than a Kiwi who thinks he can take on the All Blacks.

IF: What’s that mate?

SH: Simple. The worst thing in the world you can possibly be.

IF: A ref?

SH: Even worse. An Aussie, Fozzy.