Vital to be clear in chat over bubble

We are a couple in our early 70s and our immune-compromised relative has been living with us during lockdown. Under level 3 we agreed to expanding our bubble to another couple in extended family, also in their 70s, to help them, on the understanding the new bubble would be exclusive between us. We now find they’ve not kept their bubble exclusive to us and have been socialising. We feel a bit let down but don’t want to spoil the friendship. What should we do?

At least at level 3 the advice is clear and the fact your relative has reasons to be protected only serves to make it certain, you need to talk with them, but what to say and how to say it?

Almost everyone finds it hard to have conversations where we feel conflict is certain. And most of the time the conflict that does arise is much less troublesome than our worry would have us believe.

The important thing is to be clear, make no assumptions about their reasons why, and speak what we call “from the I” — that is, start all your statements with “I feel . . . ”.

Avoid starting with “You . . . ” — it tends to be an accusation.

It’s fine to do it face to face, or not, whatever makes it feel possible, and manageable. And don’t apologise — you have every right to need to protect your bubble. My wife was working from home throughout level 4. Once we dropped to level 3 her workplace decided to reopen its offices and she’s now back in the office five days a week. I don’t agree with this — the rules are pretty clear that those who can work from home should continue to do so — but she sees it as no problem, insisting there’s no risk. There’s nothing she’s doing in the office that couldn’t be done from home. I don’t understand her mindset and I’m really disappointed in her attitude. To me it’s no different from the thousands of people we all hear about who are ignoring the rules and putting us all at risk. We’ve spoken about it and she’s still insisting on going to the office every day. I’m having a hard time putting this behind me and letting it go. What can we do from here?

We have to manage these conflicts and differences all the time in relationships. And it’s always a tricky balance, between being clear about what we feel ourselves, and accepting the other person’s view.

Without knowing more about the industry in which your wife works it’s hard to say for sure, but many can open at level 3, and the expectation is that people manage social distancing with workmates.

I can understand you feel anxious about this. But try to talk about the worry you feel, rather than the anger at your wife. Anger is often a way to not feel other more vulnerable emotions, and talking about your worries and fears will be much more helpful than one led by anger, no matter how justified it feels.